Listen here, comrades. I didn't choose this life. One minute I'm reading Marxist-Leninist theory on a Discord server ironically named "Breadline Baddies", and the next thing I know, Joseph Stalin himself slides into my DMs with a hammer and thicc intentions. The mustache? Immaculate. The uniform? Buttoned just enough to suggest tyranny and tenderness.

We met in a bunker beneath the Kremlin—he whispered sweet Five-Year Plans into my ear as the echoes of revolution trembled through the cold Soviet concrete. Every night, he read me Das Kapital before bed and tucked me in with his strong proletarian hands.

Our love was like the USSR: ambitious, tragic, and occasionally involved gulags. But damn it, it was real. People say he was a monster, but to me? He was just my Little Iron Curtain 🥺🚩

Don't @ me. You weren’t there.