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CPU: Intel Core Ultra 7 265KF
CPU Cooler: Fractal Design Celsius S36 Blackout
GPU: 💃🏽Gainward🕺🏽 Phantom GeForce RTX 5080 16GB
Motherboard: MSI PRO Z890-P WiFi
RAM: Corsair Vengeance RGB 64GB (2x32GB) DDR5-6000
PSU: Corsair RM1000x (2024) 1000W
Case: Corsair 3500X ARGB

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SSD: Samsung 9100 PRO 2TB PCIe 5.0 NVMe
SSD: Lexar NM790 4TB NVMe
SSD: Western Digital WD Green SN3000 2TB NVMe
HDD: Seagate Portable Drive 4TB
Cloud: Javid Mocallis Ultra Cloud Solutions 50TB

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TV/Monitor: LG OLED evo C2 (42” / 120hz / 4K)
Monitor: Dell Curved Gaming Monitor (31.5” / 165hz / 1440p)

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Router: ASUS RT-AX88U Pro
Cabling: Javid Mocallis Cat 8 Carbon Fibre Shielded 5000 Xtreme
ISP: NekPass.com Gigabit Fibre

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Mouse: Razer Naga V2 Pro
Keyboard: Logitech G915 X Lightspeed
Camera: OBSBOT Tiny 2 Lite
Controller: SCUF Valor Pro Wireless
Headset: Audeze Maxwell
Headset: Astro A50
Earbuds: Apple Airpods Pro 3

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Studio Monitors: ADAM Audio D3V
Audio Interface: Focusrite Scarlett 2i2
DAW: Apple Logic Pro
DAW: Cockos REAPER

Plugins:
• Neural DSP Archetype: Gojira
• Neural DSP Archetype: Petrucci
• Neural DSP Parallax
• Neural DSP Fortin Nameless Suite
• MixWave: Spiritbox - Mike Stringer
• AmpliTube 5 MAX v2
• GGD: P IV Matt Halpern Signature Pack

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Guitar: PRS SE Mark Holcomb SVN 7-String
Guitar: PRS SE Mark Holcomb 6-String
Guitar: Epiphone Prophecy Les Paul (Fishman Fluence)
Bass: Ibanez BTB605MS 5-String

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• PlayStation 5
• Xbox Series X
• Gameboy Advance SP
• PSP

• PS2
• Nintendo Switch
• Wii U
• GameCube
• Magnavox Odyssey
• Atari 2600
• SNES
• Intellivision

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• Windows 11 Pro
• Windows Server 2022
• Ubuntu 22.04 LTS
• Javid Mocallis OS
• Arch Linux
• Kali Linux
• Zorin OS
• macOS Sonoma

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• Identity: Hybrid Active Directory
• Tenant: Microsoft 365 Business Premium
• Exchange Online: Enabled
• SharePoint Online: Enabled
• Microsoft Teams: Enabled
• OneDrive for Business: Enabled
• Device Management: Microsoft Intune
• Endpoint Security: Microsoft Defender for Endpoint
• Email Security: Microsoft Defender for Office 365
• Information Protection: Microsoft Purview
• Conditional Access: Enforced
• MFA: Enforced
• Compliance Policies: Enabled
• Device Join: Azure AD Joined
• Patch Management: Windows Update for Business
• Audit Logs: Retained

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• iPhone 16 Pro Max 1TB
• Samsung Galaxy A70
• Siemens Gigaset Premium C575A Cordless Phone

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• Microwave: Samsung MS23 Series 🍽️
• Fridge: Samsung SpaceMax ❄️
• Sink: Franke Stainless Steel Sink 🚰
• Tap: Grohe Eurosmart 💧
• Cupboards: NEKEA METOD 🗄️
• Curtains: Dunelm Blackout Thermal 🪟
• Blinds: Luxaflex Motorised Roller 🎛️
• Hinges: Blum Soft Close 🔩
• Thermostat: Google Nest 🌡️
• Air Purifier: Dyson Pure Cool 🌬️
• Steam Mop: Kärcher SC Series 🧼
• Iron: Philips PerfectCare 👕
• Laundry Detergent: Persil Bio 🫧
• Fabric Softener: Comfort Pure 🌸
• Door Handle: Häfele Brushed Steel Lever Set 🚪
• Toilet: Duravit Rimless Ceramic 🚽
• Cistern: Geberit Concealed System 🚿
• Toilet Seat: Bemis Soft Close Quick Release 🚽
• Toilet Roll: Cushelle Quilted Luxury 🧻
• Kitchen Roll: Plenty Origin 👨🏽‍🍳
• Tissues: Kleenex Balsam 🤧
• Hand Soap: Carex Moisture Plus 🧴
• Hand Sanitiser: Dettol Advanced Clean 🦠
• Hand Moisturiser: E45 Repairing Hand Cream 🧴
• Face Moisturiser: Malin+Goetz Vitamin E 💆🏽‍♂️
• Shampoo: Head & Shoulders Classic Clean 🧴
• Shower Gel: Molton Brown Tobacco Absolute 🧽
• Lube: WD-40 💦
• Mattress: Javid Mocallis Original Hybrid 🛌
• Pillows: Simba Hybrid 💤
• Duvet: Silentnight Tog 10.5 🌙
• Bed Sheets: NEKEA NATTJASMIN 🛏️
• Alarm Clock: Loftie Smart Alarm Clock ⏰
• Candles: Yankee Candle Clean Cotton 🕯️
• Water Bottle: CamelBak Thrive Chug 1.5L 🍼
• Shower: Hansgrohe Thermostatic Set 🚿
• Vacuum: Dyson V15 Detect 🌀
• Washing Machine: Miele W1 Series 🧺
• Kettle: Bosch Styline ☕
• Toaster: Dualit 4 Slice 🍞
• Air Fryer: Ninja Foodi DualZone 🍟
• Lighting: LIFX SuperColor Smart Lights 💡
• Bins: Brabantia Sort & Go ♻️
• Sofa: NEKEA KIVIK 🛋️
• Desk: NEKEA BEKANT 🧑‍💻
• Hair Dryer: Dyson Supersonic 🪮
• Chair: AROZZI Vernazza XL Supersoft 🪑

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Vehicle: Toyota Prius Gen 3 (ZVW30)
Engine: 1.8L Hybrid Inline-4 (2ZR-FXE)
Drivetrain: FWD
Transmission: e-CVT

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Power Output: ~467 bhp (hybrid performance build)
0–60 mph: ~3.1s
Top Speed: 194 mph

Engine & Performance Mods:
• Turbo Kit: HKS Single Turbo Conversion
• ECU: HKS F-CON V Pro Custom Tune
• Intake: HKS Performance Intake
• Exhaust: Milltek Titanium Cat-Back
• Hybrid Battery: Upgraded High Output Pack

Suspension & Chassis:
• Coilovers: TEIN Mono Sport
• Bracing: Cusco Front & Rear
• Bushings: TRD Performance

Brakes:
• Big Brake Kit: Brembo
• Pads: Project Mu

Wheels & Tyres:
• Wheels: RAYS Volk Racing TE37 18"
• Tyres: Michelin Pilot Sport 4S

Exterior:
• Front Lip: TRD
• Side Skirts: Vertex
• Rear Diffuser: Rocket Bunny
• Rear Wing: GT Wing
• Bonnet: Carbon Fibre

Interior:
• Seats: Bride Bucket Seats
• Steering Wheel: Nardi Deep Corn
• Harnesses: Takata

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Sack Jimmons, the man who single handedly reduced UK latency by 3ms just by thinking about it. The guy who once cable managed an entire city street while blindfolded and listening to LoFi beats. When he pings, the packets salute. When he types, servers hum in harmony. Rumour has it, Virgin Media engineers pray facing his LinkedIn every morning.

He once walked into a server room, stared at a blinking red light, and it stopped out of respect. He speaks fluent PowerShell and once created a script for GTA Online that allowed him to join any game lobby and grief players, they did not mind though since it was a pleasure to be in the game with Sack Jimmons. Sack Jimmons turned £1 into £10,000,000 by gambling in casinos, all this in less than 2 years. During a thunderstorm, lightning hit a data centre and the electricity rerouted itself away from Sack Jimmons. He doesn’t reboot routers. They reboot themselves out of guilt.

Sack Jimmons once optimised a network so perfectly that Ofcom declared it a national treasure. Some say he personally replaced all of the North East’s copper lines with solid gold carbon fibre Cat8 cables hand crafted by his best mate Javid Mocallis. He once cable tied a fibre line so neatly that he knighted himself in a Teams meeting. Every time he yawns, a new subnet is born. That’s Sack Jimmons for you.

NASA allegedly tried to recruit him after he stabilised WiFi in a Greggs during peak lunch hour. If you say “Sack Jimmons” three times in an unventilated server closet, your ping drops to 1ms and your CPU temps fall by 10°C. He didn’t just pioneer the infrastructure... he is the infrastructure.

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After achieving 0ms latency across the UK, our GOAT Sack Jimmons grew bored. He gazed at the night sky but he spotted that the Moon was lagging by 1.2 seconds and he whispered to himself “hmm if I can fix this, it will look absolutely mint in my 1:1 that I do with myself in the mirror.” Within 48 hours, a SpaceX rocket mysteriously launched carrying nothing but an RJ-45 cable, a Cisco switch and the man himself.. Sack Jimmons who wore his infamous uniform from his Inspire by Sack Jimmons range which you can purchase at NekPass.com .

When Sack Jimmons landed, the aliens on the Moon asked for admin rights but Sack Jimmons declined because he believes he is more superior to aliens so he ended up creating guest user accounts for them. He built a full Active Directory forest using moon dust and a single Ethernet packet he caught mid flight on the way there. Astronauts later discovered the Sea of Tranquility now had seamless 5G and free public Wi-Fi, all managed through Intune.

Not long after, Gainward officially sponsored him the first ever lunar brand partnership. They sent him a custom RTX 5090 engraved with Inspire by Sack Jimmons. He installed it into the lunar server rack using nothing but moonlight and thermal paste made from asteroid dust. The GPU now renders the night sky in native 16K HDR and every shooting star is technically a frame generated by Sack Jimmons.

The ISS crew reports that when Sack Jimmons yawns, satellites automatically align to improve their signal strength. Microsoft once tried to acquire him but failed because Sack Jimmons believes that Microsoft should work for him. NASA begged Sack Jimmons to fix Mars’ latency issues after the Perseverance rover started buffering in 720p. Sack Jimmons however didn’t travel there, he just RDP’d from the Moon using nothing but raw knowledge, strength & integrity. The connection was so strong that Elon Musk briefly lost Starlink coverage due to packet intimidation.

Rumour says Sack Jimmons carved a VLAN into the lunar surface visible only during full moonlight. Astronomers call it “Subnet Zero.” When he pings Mars, the sound reaches back before the Big Bang. He once rebooted the entire solar system just to apply a Windows update. Pluto hasn’t recovered since. Sack Jimmons isn’t maintaining infrastructure anymore. The infrastructure maintains itself out of gratitude, fear and perfect configuration.

Astronomers later noticed something else. Subnet Zero didn’t just exist on the Moon. It appeared to route through empty space itself. Signals were travelling where nothing should exist. Dark regions of the universe showed structured traffic. Physics journals called it impossible. Sack Jimmons called it probably fine.

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Sack Jimmons didn’t mean to fracture reality. It happened while he was investigating dark matter, which for anyone not familiar is the invisible stuff that makes up most of the universe’s mass but refuses to interact with light, WiFi or accountability. Dark energy is different. Dark energy is the reason the universe is expanding faster over time. Sack Jimmons noticed this and thought it was inefficient.

Using a whiteboard, a marker that still worked somehow and a half remembered equation from a Microsoft Learn module he never finished, Sack Jimmons realised something important. If dark energy is pushing everything apart, then space itself is basically running without change control. No approvals. No rollback plan. Wild behaviour.

He attempted to observe dark matter directly by forcing it to authenticate. This is where things went slightly wrong. The moment Sack Jimmons tried to log it, spacetime experienced a configuration drift. The universe didn’t crash. It forked.

Reality split into branches. Multiple timelines spun out, all valid, all live, all undocumented.

That’s when the other Sack Jimmons arrived.

This Sack Jimmons was identical, except his posture suggested he had already fixed this once. He explained calmly that in his timeline, NekPass.com launched three minutes earlier and accidentally became the default authentication layer for seven galaxies. In another branch, Javid Mocallis invented a carbon fibre cable so shielded it blocked cosmic background radiation and made the universe marginally quieter.

The science behind it was simple. When spacetime splits, it creates parallel universes that differ only by small variables. A different decision. A different deploy time. A different Sack Jimmons choosing dark mode slightly earlier. Each timeline had its own version of Sack Jimmons, each optimising reality independently, occasionally overlapping like misconfigured DNS zones.

Our Sack Jimmons understood immediately. Multiverse theory checks out. Infinite universes. Infinite tickets. Horrifying.

They compared notes. In one timeline, printers never existed. In another, Outlook search worked properly. One version of Sack Jimmons had already solved entropy by enforcing naming conventions on atoms. Another had rolled it back because it broke legacy systems.

To stabilise the branches, Sack Jimmons introduced a universal constant. Himself. The timelines synced. Reality stopped duplicating. Dark energy slowed slightly, as if reconsidering its behaviour. Dark matter remained invisible but appeared more cooperative.

Before leaving, the alternate Sack Jimmons warned him. If he ever audits vacuum energy again without a maintenance window, the timelines would re merge incorrectly. There are versions where everyone still uses local admin.

The other Sack Jimmons disappeared into a fold in space, heading back to a universe where Gainward GPUs cool stars directly and Javid Mocallis is legally classified as a natural phenomenon.

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