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INT. THE ARCHIPELAGO OF SUSPENDED FICTION - TIMELESS

The meeting is not taking place in a room, or even on a planet. The Writer and Producer are standing on the surface of a colossal, open dictionary floating in a void of swirling, sepia-toned ink and golden letters. Around them, massive origami dragons and paper-mache leviathans swim through the air. The "ground" beneath them is covered in definitions of words that don’t exist yet. The lighting is provided by a giant, glowing fountain pen nib that hangs in the sky like a sun, dripping luminescent ink that turns into birds before it hits the ground.

PRODUCER
(Leaning casually against a giant letter 'Q' that has sprouted from the page)
So, you have a cooperative paper-cut tactical dungeon brawler for me?

WRITER
(Doing jumping jacks)
Yes, sir, I do! It’s called Hellcard, and we are going to save the world by folding it in half and putting it in our pocket!

PRODUCER
Oh, pocket worlds are tight!

WRITER
They sure are, sir! So, picture this: The entire game takes place in a pop-up book. The heroes, the monsters, the loot—it’s all flat 2D cutouts. It looks like a diorama made by a very angry arts and crafts teacher.

PRODUCER
I had an angry arts and crafts teacher once. She didn't like my glue usage.

WRITER
Fair enough. Well, in this game, glue is your enemy! Because the heroes are stuck to the center of the screen! They cannot move!

PRODUCER
They can’t move? So if a monster walks up to them, they just have to accept their fate?

WRITER
Not at all! It’s a deckbuilder, sir! We use cards to manipulate the battlefield. The monsters swarm us in these concentric rings—Near, Mid, Far. It’s like a dartboard, but the darts are skeletons and they want to stab you.

PRODUCER
That sounds dangerous. How do we stop them if we can't run away?

WRITER
We have physics! And we have legs! You can play cards to push enemies back, pull them closer, or—and this is the best part—you can literally yeet them.

PRODUCER
We can yeet the skeletons?

WRITER
Super easy, barely an inconvenience! You play a "Kick" card, and BAM! You launch a goblin from the Near ring all the way back to the Far ring so he’s no longer in range to bite your shins! It’s all about tactical spatial management, sir!

PRODUCER
A very aerodynamic goblin!

WRITER
The most aerodynamic! But sir, the real selling point is the team. I brought the avatars with me to explain the classes!

PRODUCER
You brought them... to the giant dictionary?

WRITER
I sure did! Come on out, guys!

(The Writer gestures to a page break. Ryan George steps out dressed as Mr. T—gold chains, denim vest, cardboard mohawk, but holding a wizard staff. He looks furious at the ink sky.)

MR. T MAGE
I pity the fool who doesn’t understand mana efficiency! I’m a Mage now, Hannibal! I cast spells with attitude!

PRODUCER
Oh my god. Is that...

WRITER
It’s the Mage class! He’s legally distinct! He’s just a man who loves gold and hates flying.

(Ryan George slides in from the right, wearing a tuxedo, a skull mask, and holding a scythe. He is smooth, suave, and dead.)

MANNY AVATAR
Grim Fandango? No, no. I am just a humble travel agent for souls. But this suit? It is tight.

PRODUCER
Is that Manny Calavera? As a player avatar?

WRITER
It sure is! He’s ready to reap some paper souls!

(Ryan George stomps in wearing Imperial Legion armor from Oblivion. He is stiff and shouting.)

OBLIVION GUARD
STOP! YOU VIOLATED THE LAW! PAY THE COURT A FINE OR SERVE YOUR SENTENCE!

PRODUCER
Why is he here?

WRITER
Because! He’s a Companion! He helps you fight!

(Finally, Ryan George crawls in on all fours wearing a cow costume with demonic red horns and a cape. He looks chaotic.)

HELLCOW
Mooooo! (Loud fart sound) Skibidi bop bop yes yes!

PRODUCER
Wow wow wow. Wow. Did that cow just reference brainrot internet memes?

WRITER
It’s the Hellcow, sir! A vampire cow, from Marvel comics! It’s here to cause problems!

PRODUCER
Well, okay then.

WRITER
So, the gameplay is all about these guys talking to each other. It’s co-op, so you have to coordinate. But usually, you just scream at each other.

MR. T MAGE
Hey! Bone-man! Don't you dare push that demon into my fire zone! I’m charging up a blast!

MANNY AVATAR
Relax, my large friend. I am simply rearranging the clientele. You need to have more fanum tax in your soul.

OBLIVION GUARD
CRIMINAL SCUM! STOP YAPPING AND START BLOCKING!

HELLCOW
Moooooo! (Wet fart sound) Gyatt!

PRODUCER
The worst group of friends I’ve ever seen.

WRITER
Exactly! And then—Whoops!

PRODUCER
Whoopsie!

WRITER
You play a card that hits all enemies, but the Hellcow accidentally reflects it back at the party because he’s chaotic!

HELLCOW
Ohio Rizz! Mooooo!

MR. T MAGE
I ain't got time for no Ohio Rizz! I’m taking damage here!

MANNY AVATAR
Ah, death comes for us all. Even the cows. Very considerate!

OBLIVION GUARD
YOUR STOLEN GOODS ARE NOW FORFEIT!

PRODUCER
This sounds like a nightmare.

WRITER
Hey, shut up! It’s fun! You die, you unlock new artifacts, you get better cards, and you do it all again! It’s a roguelike!

PRODUCER
That works.

WRITER
So, we have Mr. T, a skeleton travel agent, a guard who hates crime, and a meme-cow fighting 2D monsters in a dungeon while yeeting them with their feet.

PRODUCER
What?

WRITER
What?

PRODUCER
Well, okay then!

WRITER
Great!

PRODUCER
I assume the reviews will praise the unique mechanics and the art style?

WRITER
Oh, absolutely. The game looks like a masterpiece of papercraft. It’s stunning. Now, we have to go. We’re going to fly out of here on a giant paper airplane.

MR. T MAGE
Hold up! Airplane? I ain't gettin' on no paper airplane! I ain't flyin', Hannibal!

MANNY AVATAR
Come now, Mr. T. It is a very safe mode of transport. Very biodegradable.

MR. T MAGE
I don’t care if it’s biodegradable! I’m staying right here on this dictionary! I ain't getting on no plane!

OBLIVION GUARD
RESISTING ARREST? THEN PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD!

HELLCOW
Moooooo. (Fart sound)

WRITER
Don't worry, I have some milk laced with sleeping powder!

(The Writer hands Mr. T a glass of milk. Mr. T drinks it suspiciously and immediately passes out.)

PRODUCER
Very considerate!

(The Writer drags the unconscious Mr. T onto a paper airplane while Manny and the Guard argue about tickets. The Hellcow just keeps mooing.)

WRITER
(Struggling to lift Mr. T)
He is very heavy! Like a sack of pure gold chains and pity!

PRODUCER
Super easy, barely an inconvenience to lift him, right?

WRITER
Actually, it is super difficult! Whoops!

PRODUCER
Whoopsie!

(The Writer accidentally drops Mr. T’s head onto the paper wing with a loud thud.)

MANNY AVATAR
Careful, my living friend! You might wrinkle his very aggressive jewelry.

OBLIVION GUARD
STOP! MISHANDLING CARGO IS A VIOLATION! PAY THE COURT A FINE!

HELLCOW
Moooooo! (Pffft—loud wet fart) Skibidi gyatt rizzler!

PRODUCER
That cow makes a lot of compelling points about the economy.

WRITER
It sure does! Okay, we are taking off into the ink void! Oh, really?

PRODUCER
Oh, really?

WRITER
Yeah! Because the paper airplane is actually burning from the Mage's passive heat!

PRODUCER
Oh my god.

WRITER
But fire deals damage over time, so we have exactly three turns to land! That works.

PRODUCER
Well, okay then! (He pulls out a bag of popcorn made of styrofoam).

WRITER
But that’s the best part! The gameplay is so tight and responsive that we won’t even notice we’re on fire until we hit the ground!

PRODUCER
Ignoring imminent doom because the game is fun is tight!

MANNY AVATAR
I must admit, this fiery demise is very stylish. It matches my suit perfectly.

OBLIVION GUARD
STOP! ENJOYING YOURSELVES IS AGAINST REGULATION! PAY THE COURT A FINE!

HELLCOW
Mooooo! (Pffft) Just put the fries in the bag bro!

WRITER
So, we have a masterpiece that combines strategy, chaos, and cows into a perfect replayable loop!

PRODUCER
Great!

WRITER
Great!

[END]

haha what a story Mark, but I am a silly baboon, honk honk.

The Setting: The meeting is taking place inside a 10,000% scale Hyper-Voxel Space-Station orbiting a planet made entirely of nacho dust and hitmarkers. The floor is a giant, pulsating Illuminati triangle that emits a deafening airhorn blast whenever someone blinks. The Game Designer is wearing three pairs of "Deal With It" pixelated sunglasses, while the Publisher sits on a throne made of dubstep subwoofers. The air is thick with the scent of virtual onions and victory.

Publisher: So, you have a fully realized, self-aware fever dream of a first-person shooter that perfectly encapsulates the chaotic energy of early 2010s internet culture for me?

Game Designer: Yes, sir, I do! It’s called 420BLAZEIT 2: GAME OF THE YEAR -=Dank Dreams and Goated Memes=- [#wow/11 Like and Subscribe] Poggerz Edition. It features an art style so vibrant it’ll give your optic nerves a high-five! We’ve polished the gunplay until it’s "upsettingly competent"—think the mechanical perfection of a top-tier stadium shooter mixed with total internet madness. It is a staggering achievement in digital irony that functions flawlessly while looking like a digital hurricane.

Publisher: I don't know what those words mean, but they sound terrifyingly profitable. But is it messy? I don't like messes in my brainrot.

Game Designer: Oh, no, sir! It’s super easy, barely an inconvenience to make it clean! When you "360-noscope" an enemy, they just explode into fireworks, neon sparks, and JPEGs of a dancing Snoop Dogg. It’s pure, filtered victory! Every frame is a masterpiece of intentional chaos.

Publisher: Very considerate! And the music?

Game Designer: SIR, THE MUSIC IS ABSOLUTE FIRE! It’s a relentless, high-octane masterpiece of dubstep and bass that hits your eardrums like a tactical nuke! It is pure, unadulterated hype that makes every single kill feel like a world championship win! It’s so goated it’ll make your ancestors want to start quickskoping!

(Suddenly, the wall explodes and Mr. Torgue surfs into the room on top of a flying spinning shark)

Mr. Torgue: I HAVE ONE QUESTION: IF YOU DON'T BUY THIS GAME, THE ATMOSPHERE WILL APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING LOUD ENOUGH! EXPLOSIONS ARE JUST ART THAT YOU CAN HEAR WITH YOUR FACE!

Game Designer: He’s here for the audio! And for level design, we have Tiny Tina and Gaige ensuring that the maps are absolutely "goated" with the sauce!

Gaige: I HAVE ZERO ACCURACY RIGHT NOW! PLAYER! WHAT! ARE! YOU! DOING?! ANARCHY IS THE ONLY LAW IN THIS HOUSE! I’VE REWRITTEN THE PHYSICS ENGINE SO THAT THE HARDER YOU SCREAM, THE MORE CRITICAL HITS YOU DEAL! THE SPREAD ON THESE BULLETS IS NOW LARGER THAN THE ACTUAL MAP! SMASH THE SYSTEM!

Tiny Tina: I’m gonna put a surprise in the salad! It’s going to be real shiny and make a real big "pop" sound!

(Suddenly, Dolan Duck waddles in with Gremlin D.Va, who is aggressively eating snacks and shouting "GG EZ" while Umaru-chan rolls around demanding beverage canisters)

Umaru-chan: (Rolling aggressively across the Publisher's desk) CANISTER! CANISTER! I REQUIRE MAXIMUM POTENCY POTIONS AND POTATO CHIPS OR I WILL UNPLUG THE ENTIRE INTERNET! THE FPS ISN'T HIGH ENOUGH UNTIL THE REFRESH RATE MAKES MY HAIR STAND ON END! MORE COLA! MORE POGS! MORE EVERYTHING!

Dolan Duck: gooby pls.

Gremlin D.Va: (Aggressively crunching snacks) IS THIS EASY MOOOODE?! GET GOOD, SCRUB! I’M STREAMING THIS TO FOUR MILLION PEOPLE AND THE CHAT IS SPAMMING "L" AT YOUR STOCK PRICE! NERF THIS CORPORATE BOREDOM OR I’M REPORTING YOU FOR GRIEFING! GG EZ!

Game Designer: That’s the "Dank Dreams" quality assurance team! They ensure the aesthetic is consistently "unhinged." Along with Nagatoro, who is here to tease the playtesters until they achieve true gaming enlightenment!

Nagatoro: Senpai, you're so gross! Kimoi! Kimoi! Are you really going to fund this, or are you too "scaredy-cat" to handle the "Rizz"?

Publisher: I feel like I'm being targeted by a technicolor supernova! It’s very overwhelming but also quite charming!

Game Designer: That’s the intended user experience! It’s designed to be a high-fidelity assault on the senses that remains a joy to play! And look! Floating above your head!

Spoderman & Neco-Arc: (Vibrating intensely while hovering in mid-air)

Neco-Arc: (Landing on the desk) Burenyuu~ Your eyes are the color of a limited-edition beverage, and your soul smells like high-yield investments. Don't be shy... come to the dark side, we have "Pilk" and sophisticated loopholes. Dori dori dori~

Spoderman: hello i am the spoderman i need u to subscroob for free virtual currency. i am the hero this office deserves but not the one it needs right now.

Game Designer: We also have Among Us characters in the vents, plus Jinx and Rebecca for that edgy, high-octane energy!

Red Impostor: (Vents in) Sus. (Vents out immediately)

Jinx: I don't need help—I have fireworks! Why be normal when you can be a walking festival of light and sound?!

Rebecca: (Dual-wielding shotguns) TO THE MOON, BABY! STROBE! STROBE! STROBE! I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL SOMETHING FLASHES NEON!

(The door is kicked off its hinges as Shrek strolls in, looking radiant and onion-scented, filling the room with a majestic green glow)

Shrek: (Kicking the door) SOMEBODY once told me this meeting was gonna be Ogre-powered! Sign the contract, lad! This game has layers—like an onion, but with better frame rates!

(Temmie and the Annoying Dog are perched on Shrek’s shoulders, looking incredibly pleased with themselves)

Temmie: hOI! i'm tEMMIE!! an welcome to da 420 tEM sHoP!! if u buy da "mY fUr iS mAdE oF hItMaRkErS" uPgrAdE, tem can pay for pREmiuM nOiSe!!! YAYA!!!

Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow. That’s art. But is the dog in the game? He seems very powerful.

Game Designer: Oh, definitely not, the game is already too revolutionary. He just manifested here to ignore the laws of physics and provide moral support through barking.

Publisher: But wait, how do we make sure people keep playing once the initial neon shock wears off?

Game Designer: We’ve implemented a Meme Slider in the settings, sir! If the players' brains haven't completely melted yet, they can crank the meme density up to "Maximum" until the screen is nothing but hitmarkers and dancing frogs!

Publisher: Oooooh, sliders are tight! I love having the illusion of control over my own sanity!

Game Designer: And the best part? We’ve got a weapon called the Fartzooka that literally shoots gas at people! It’s the pinnacle of comedic engineering!

Publisher: That is some high-level projectile physics right there!

Game Designer: Precisely! It runs at 999fps so you can see every single pixel of Shrek yelling at you in glorious high-definition! It is the ultimate experience!

Publisher: So it’s a chaotic, nonsensical, loud, blinding masterpiece that is also a triumph of modern engineering and a celebration of human creativity? You know what? That works! I want to play it immediately.

Game Designer: Great! So, we launch tomorrow?

Publisher: We launch yesterday! Use the temporal rift! I want the entire world to experience the "Poggerz Edition" before they even know they want it!

Dolan Duck: (Waddling past the Publisher's throne) fak u.

Publisher: I feel like my brain has been scrubbed with high-velocity neon steel wool, but I have never been more certain of a financial success!

Game Designer: That’s just the "Brainrot Synergy" taking effect, sir; it means the game is already living rent-free in your subconscious infrastructure!

Annoying Dog: (Barks a 144p remix of "All Star" composed entirely of wet farts, distorted moans, air horns, and the word "GYATT" on a loop while absorbing the signed contract into its infinite fur.)

Conclushun: The Publisher and Game Designer high-five, causing a shockwave that turns the entire room into a 144p resolution JPEG.

Publisher: Whoops!

Game Designer: Whoopsie!

[SCENE FADES TO BLACK as airhorns blare in the distance]

The Setting: Inside a colossal, vibrating sub-woofer shaped like a holiday ornament. The Publisher is sitting on one throne of pure, unearned gold, while the Game Designer balances on one swivel chair made of recycled spanners and hope.

Publisher: So, you have one "vibrant robot collect-a-thon" for me?

Game Designer: Yes, sir, I do! It’s called Bolt Bot Screwy Viruses. You play as Bolt, one quaint little robot mechanic who has to shrink down and fix toys because his rival, Mr. Coin, infected them all with digital germs!

Publisher: Oh, digital germs are tight!

Game Designer: They sure are. It’s one 3D platformer with forty-eight levels, and honestly, the developer did one amazing job. It’s full of heart, unique ideas, and the levels are remarkably well-designed.

Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow. We like quality!

Game Designer: We do! And the combat is hilarious! When you hit one enemy, you "yeet" them across the screen and they just kind of pop into a few little bits.

Jinx: (Screaming as she rides one shark-rocket through the glass wall) DID SOMEONE SAY YEET?! I love it when things go 'pow' and then 'splat'! I want to hug the main character until his head pops off like one festive cork! Can we make him pink?

Game Designer: He’s actually blue and has one spanner.

Jinx: BOOOOOO! But his little mechanical face is so cute I want to scream into one bucket! TEN out of TEN!

Publisher: Now, isn't it going to be a chore to collect everything in forty-eight levels?

Game Designer: Super easy, barely an inconvenience! You don't actually need to get all the scrap to progress! The game is actually very wholesome—it rewards you just for existing and being one nice little robot!

Publisher: Oh, rewarding existence is tight!

Game Designer: It sure is! The shop literally comes to life with new staff and music as you play. It’s one evolving hub world that feels like one big, neon hug!

(The floor splits as Eustass Kidd crashes through on one giant arm made of scrap metal, followed by Lilith and Atlas.)

Eustass Kidd: I SENSE A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF WHOLESOME SCRAP! I’M GOING TO COLLECT IT ALL AND BUILD ONE GIANT METAL FRIEND!

Lilith: Get back, you magnet-freak! I’m here for the tech! Look at these graphics—the developer really knew how to optimize the lighting for one Steam Deck. It’s "Super Science" approved and runs smoother than one oiled slide!

Atlas: (Growing five times larger and hugging one pillar) THE TEXTURES ARE SO SOFT I WANT TO ACCIDENTALLY DESTROY THEM WITH AFFECTION!

Orianna: (Floating in silently) The ball is curious. The developer has balanced the physics perfectly. I find the movement to be... synchronized. It makes my internal clock feel like it is having one spa day.

Alita: (Doing three flips over Kidd’s head) Designer, tell me—is this game optimized? My cyber-brain hates lag.

Game Designer: It runs at a rock-solid sixty FPS on Ultra settings!

Alita: I suppose I can appreciate the mechanical purity of sixty frames. It’s very wholesome for my processing speed. But the neon colours are stinging my optics!

Game Designer: That’s why we have one unique feature: you can change the thickness of the cartoon outlines! You can make them so thick the game looks like one very aggressive colouring book!

Publisher: Does changing the outline make it less garish?

Game Designer: Not even one little bit!

Publisher: That works!

(The back wall VAPORIZES in a massive blast of glitter and high explosives. Handsome Jack struts in, flanked by Angel, Claptrap, FL4K, C4sh, Gaige, and Mr. Torgue who is playing one guitar solo with his mouth.)

Mr. Torgue: DID SOMEBODY SAY "YEET" AND "POP INTO BITS"?! BECAUSE I HAVE SEVERAL OPINIONS ABOUT THE VOLUME OF THOSE EXPLOSIONS! I WANT THEM TO SOUND LIKE A DRUM SOLO IN A TURROW-WASH! ALSO, THE DEVELOPER IS A TOTAL BADASS FOR MAKING THE PHYSICS SO CONSISTENT!**

Handsome Jack: Pipe down, Torgue. Designer, look at this place! It’s beautiful! I mean, it’s no "diamond pony," but the developer has one real eye for "make-them-stare" aesthetics! Angel, honey, show them how much we love the frame rate.

Angel: It’s flawless, Father. Even Claptrap can’t glitch it.

Claptrap: I’m one beautiful butterfly! Look at my neon wings!

Gaige: I’M NOT A BUTTERFLY! I’VE BEEN SEARCHING LEVEL 3 FOR 20 MINUTES AND I’M STILL MISSING 2 SCRAPS! I’ve looked in every corner! I’ve looked in the vents! TWENTY MINUTES IS ONE ETERNITY IN ANARCHY TIME!

Game Designer: Hey, shut up! It’s fine! Because even though you don't need them, if you get desperate, you just go to Mr. Coin and pay him two hundred gold to find them for you!

Gaige: THAT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM MANICALLY! BUT I LOVE THE DEVELOPER FOR GIVING ME AN OUT!

Ratchet: (Walking in with Clank) Calm down, kid. The developer even added one "pity" system. If you're missing ten or fewer scraps, Mr. Coin helps you out so you don't lose your mind.

Clank: Indeed. The developer has created one very cohesive world. I find the bonus levels—like the one where you jump through a TV screen to play one different game—to be... statistically delightful.

Courtney Gears: (Hologram flickers into existence, dancing) Who cares about gold? Does Bolt have one music video? I want to record one duet where we sing about how much we love being robots and hating stairs!

Jinx: (Chewing on one power cable) Can I be the backup dancer? But I'm going to set the stage on fire! In a wholesome way!

Publisher: Oh my god.

Handsome Jack: (Laughing) I love this Mr. Coin guy! He’s like one little pocket-sized me!

Glitch: (Stuck in the floor, vibrating) I can... see... the outlines... they’re... so thick... it feels like one warm blanket made of ink...

Clockwerk: THE INK IS TASTY. BUT THE CHAIR IS TASTIER. (Clockwerk suddenly lunges forward and starts gnawing on the armrest of the Designer’s chair).

Game Designer: Hey! Get off! That’s one chair! I’m sitting in that!

Publisher: What?

Game Designer: What?

Publisher: Well, okay then!

Eustass Kidd: EVERYTHING IS SCRAP! YEET THE FURNITURE INTO ONE GIANT PILE OF FRIENDSHIP!

Mr. Torgue: YEET THE CHAIR! YEET THE STOOL! YEET THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF GRAVITY! WEOW-WEOW-WEOW-WEEEEEEOOOOOW! (Guitar noises intensify)

Lilith: Wait, does the developer realize they made the shop music so catchy I've been tapping my foot for three hours?

Orianna: The ball agrees. The acoustic properties of the workshop are... mathematically infectious.

C4sh: (Tipping his cowboy hat) Partner, I reckon the way you can just yeet one ill-wisher into the sunset is better than hitting 1 jackpot at the slots!

FL4K: My Jabber wants to know if there are more "quaint" robots to hunt. He likes the way they pop into bits.

Alita: I checked the frame-time graph. It’s one flat line. This developer is one master of the machine.

Gaige: IF I FIND THE LAST SCRAP, CAN I GET A MINIATURE DEATHTRAP IN BOLT'S SHOP?!

Game Designer: Maybe in one DLC!

Jinx: DLC?! Does that stand for Dynamite Loving Crazies?!

Claptrap: It stands for Dance Like Claptrap! Unce unce unce unce!

Atlas: I HAVE REACHED PEAK HAPPINESS AND I MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY CRUSH THE PUBLISHER'S DESK!

Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow. This game sounds like one loud, bright, polished masterpiece where everything pops and people get rewarded for just being their unhinged selves. The developer really nailed the "charming but chaotic" vibe!

Game Designer: They really did! It’s one fantastic piece of work.

Publisher: Well, if the Vault Hunters, the Pirates, and the Battle Angel are all on board, let's do it!

Game Designer: Super easy, barely an inconvenience! Now, if you’ll excuse me, Courtney Gears is trying to auto-tune my heartbeats and Clockwerk is currently digesting my lumbar support.

Publisher: Oooooh, consuming furniture is tight!

Franky: (Striking one pose in the middle of the chaos) SUUUUPER WHOLESOME PITCH!

The Setting: The meeting takes place inside a colossal, glowing white void. The floor is an infinite grid of tiles that click loudly whenever someone steps on them. The Publisher and the Game Designer are sitting in translucent chairs made of floating pixels. Every time the Publisher blinks, a small number appears above his head. The air is filled with the sound of extremely calm, repetitive lo-fi beats that seem to be coming from the walls themselves.

Publisher: So, you have a "staring at a giant grid of numbers until you forget your own middle name" simulator for me?

Game Designer: Yes, sir, I do! It’s called Mega Mosaic, and it’s going to be the most meticulous thing you’ve ever seen.

Publisher: Meticulous, you say?

Game Designer: Oh, incredibly. It’s a logic puzzle game where you use numbers to fill in squares to reveal a picture. But here’s the kicker: it’s all 1 single, massive grid.

Publisher: Oh, so there's like, 50 levels?

Game Designer: No, sir. Just 1.

Publisher: 1 level?

Game Designer: 1 level.

Publisher: Well, that seems like it would be over very quickly.

Game Designer: It’s 250 squares wide and 250 squares tall, sir.

Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow. That’s a lot of squares for 1 level.

Game Designer: It’s 62,500 squares, sir. You’re essentially building a cathedral 1 pebble at a time. It's a Fill-a-Pix game, which is basically the lovechild of Minesweeper and Sudoku.

Publisher: Oooooh, forbidden logic-puzzle romance is tight!

Game Designer: It really is. It has this incredible deductive reasoning aspect where you're logically deconstructing the puzzle and simultaneously assembling the mosaic. It's like you're a detective and a construction worker at the exact same time.

Publisher: Very efficient!

Game Designer: And sir, this game will make the player happier to see the numbers 0 and 9 than anything else in their entire life.

Publisher: Why is that?

Game Designer: Because a 0 means you don't have to do anything, and a 9 means you fill everything! It's like a little gift from the universe.

Publisher: I love gifts. And I assume you just guess where the rest of the colors go?

Game Designer: No, no, no. Guessing is for people who have places to be. In this game, everything is purely logical. If you try to just "vibe" your way through a section, you’re going to have a bad time.

Publisher: Why is that?

Game Designer: Because the game tracks your errors. If you start clicking squares like a madman, the game will count every single 1 of those mistakes.

Publisher: Oooooh, numerical accountability is tight!

Game Designer: It really is. And if you realize you’ve completely botched a section because your brain stopped working, there’s a button that just clears all the errors out for you.

Publisher: Oh, so it just fixes my life?

Game Designer: Just the grid part of it. It wipes away your mistakes so you can sit there and stare at the empty space where your dignity used to be.

Publisher: Very considerate!

Game Designer: Exactly. Now, the main mechanic is that Fill-a-Pix system. You look at a number, and that number tells you how many of its neighboring squares—including itself—need to be filled.

Publisher: Okay, so if I see a 9, I just fill everything around it?

Game Designer: You got it.

Publisher: That sounds super easy.

Game Designer: Barely an inconvenience! But then you see a 4 in the middle of a blank void, and you have to look at the numbers next to that 4, and the numbers next to those numbers, until you’ve spent 40 minutes planning a single move.

Publisher: 40 minutes for 1 click?

Game Designer: Yes, sir. We want the player to enter a total flow state. A state so deep that they start to evaporate from reality.

Publisher: Evaporate?

Game Designer: Just completely vanish. Their physical form stays in the chair, but their mind is now just a series of 3x3 clusters. They start to feel like a digital Roman with a giant mosaic addiction.

Publisher: A digital Roman?

Game Designer: Yeah, they're just sitting there, wearing a toga made of spreadsheets, obsessively laying down tiles like they're building the floor for a pixelated emperor.

Publisher: Oooooh, historical obsessions are tight!

Game Designer: They really are.

Publisher: Well, okay then! So what kind of picture are they making? Is it a cool dragon or a fast car?

Game Designer: You’ll spend 3 hours meticulously deducing pixels only to zoom out and realize you’ve spent your entire Saturday afternoon completing a single blade of grass.

Publisher: A blade of grass?

Game Designer: Or maybe a small pebble. You won't know until you finish the entire 62,500 square behemoth.

Publisher: Why wouldn't you just show them what they're making?

Game Designer: Because! We want them to feel the mystery of the 1 single grid.

Publisher: Fair enough. Now, won't people get frustrated if they can't find the next move in a sea of 60,000 squares?

Game Designer: Oh, we thought of that. We have a "Telegraphed" UI. It subtly highlights where the logic is currently possible so the player doesn't have a total breakdown.

Publisher: I like that. It puts the burden of existence squarely on the consumer.

Game Designer: Exactly. And the whole thing is set to lo-fi music so they stay calm while their life passes them by.

Publisher: So the music keeps them from noticing the passage of time so the "1 more row" syndrome can happen?

Game Designer: You addressed it!

Publisher: Now, wait a minute. If the game is purely logical, couldn't a computer just do it?

Game Designer: Hey, shut up! This is for humans who want to feel like computers.

Publisher: Oh, okay. My mistake.

Game Designer: We want them to experience the "Aha!" moment. That's when they find a hidden 0 that opens up a whole new section of the grid.

Publisher: Oooooh, finding a hidden 0 is tight!

Game Designer: It’s the best feeling a human can have. Better than birthday parties.

Publisher: What?

Game Designer: What?

Publisher: Well, okay then!

Game Designer: So, what do you think? It’s a massive, slow-burn, logical grind that turns your monitor into a glowing abyss of tiles.

Publisher: I think it sounds like a very long time spent doing very small things on 1 single map.

Game Designer: It’s a very meticulous mosaic!

Publisher: And if I mess up, I can just hit the button and pretend it never happened?

Game Designer: Exactly. It’s like the "Undo" button for your soul.

Publisher: I love it. Let's put it on Steam and watch everyone's social lives disappear into the 250x250 void.

Game Designer: Great! I’ll go start counting to 9 over and over again.

Publisher: You do that. I’m going to go stare at a wall and wait for a number to appear on it.

Game Designer: Wow.

Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow.

🎙️ Voiceover, trembling with an authority it clearly no longer has.

In a franchise built on chaos… Improvisation… Crowds, disguises, and murders blamed on “maintenance issues”…

One game looked at all that freedom and said: “No. Sit down. Wait your turn.”

Welcome to HITMAN: GO, The Hitman game where Agent 47 stops being a man and becomes a perfectly buffed, ceramic lawn ornament.

♟️💀

There are no crowds. No panic. No dramatic escapes through kitchens.

Just a grid. A strict turn order. And a man whose scalp reflects your sins like a confession booth spotlight.

Agent 47 does not hide. He does not sprint. He aligns.

🧠

Gameplay is brutally honest:

You move one square.

The world moves one square.

You miscount once…

And the game silently asks why you thought confidence was allowed.

This isn’t stealth. This is Murder Ludo for the Emotionally Stunted.

🪒

Disguises technically exist, but only to embarrass you. 47 puts one on, takes one step, and every guard immediately senses the shine like animals before an eclipse.

Baldness cannot lie. Baldness does not apologize. Baldness is a non-negotiable physical constant.

🧊

The levels look like museum exhibits titled: “Violence, Reduced.”

Minimalist. Stylish. And quietly furious when you mess up a slide.
🚨 THE BALD MULTIVERSE GOES FERAL 🚨

AGENT 47: “I need to prepare.”

DIANA BURNWOOD: “47. You always do. Preparation is the contract. But the client has requested you finish this level in under 12 moves. Also, try not to scuff the floor; it’s a very expensive lacquer, and your plastic base is abrasive.”

TONY SOPRANO (Poking the board with a forkful of manicotti): “What happened to the 'strong, silent type'? Now he’s a 'plastic, silent type'? In my day, you don't wait for a green line to tell you when to clip a guy. This is an insult to the business!”

47: “Business is a series of controlled increments, Anthony. Your emotional outbursts are... inefficient.”

TONY: “Inefficient? I’ll show you inefficient! Where’s the gabagool on this board? It’s all lines and circles!”

SILVIO DANTE (Adjusting his hair while staring at 47's head): “Look at this guy. Not a single follicle out of place. It’s disgusting. T, I’m telling ya, a man with that much discipline on his scalp... he’s gotta be a fed or a ghost.”

🩸

DEXTER MORGAN, internally monologuing out loud now: “This is familiar. Rules. Patterns. No surprises. The Dark Passenger appreciates the lack of diagonal movement.”

AGENT 47: “Emotion complicates execution. Also, I don’t use plastic wrap. It is an environmental hazard.”

DEXTER: (Smiles) “It also complicates pretending to be normal.”

QUINN: “Hey Dexter, who’s the cue ball with the barcode? Why is he standing on a literal pedestal?”

DEXTER: “He’s a specialist, Quinn. He doesn’t leave DNA. Just... tiny indentations in the felt.”

👻

HARRY MORGAN, appearing like a guilt-powered screensaver: “Dexter, remember the Code. Rules keep you from crossing lines.” (He gestures at the grid.) “This whole thing is one big line, Dexter. It's a trap.”

47: “Lines clarify purpose. And property values.”

ARTHUR MITCHELL (THE TRINITY KILLER): “Four moves. It always has to be four moves. One to stand, one to watch, one to strike... and one to reset the board. It’s... beautiful.”

47: “I prefer the 3-star objective. It is more concise.”

🚔

DOAKES: “I’ve been standing on this same red dot for three days! MOVE, MOTHER—! My calves are cramping! I am a high-performance machine reduced to a decorative paperweight!”

DEBRA: “WHY IS THIS SO SLOW?? WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE IT’S MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ME??”

MASUKA, leaning way too close to the board: “Okay but real talk… that head is immaculate. If discipline were… sculpted. Think of the aerodynamics during a headbutt. He saves a fortune on pillows!”

🕺🔥

ANGEL BATISTA, clapping with genuine joy: “Look at him! So calm! So centered! That’s passion with restraint. La Pasión… but disciplined.”

MIKE EHRMANTRAUT: (Heavy sigh, staring at the board) “Walter. Put the d20 away, Walter. No half measures. Just take the step, kill the target, and get back to the start tile.”

MIKE (To 47): “I knew a guy once. Professional. Handled things without the noise. But he didn't need a grid to tell him where to put his feet. You’re overcomplicating a simple walk, kid.”

🧠

LUNDY: “Predictability doesn’t remove fear. It marinates it.”

MIGUEL PRADO: “This game doesn’t reward impulse. It punishes ego. And people who don’t like vests.”

🎭

LALO SALAMANCA, absolutely delighted: “Ohhh I love this. Everyone sees everything. No hiding. No luck. Just… consequences. It’s your turn, by the way.”

MIGUEL: “…I don’t trust him.”

LALO: (Grinning wider) “That’s why you’re still alive.”

NACHO VARGA: “I’m just trying to get off the board. Why won’t the game let me just leave the board?”

📏

(A wooden ruler SLAMS.)

BALDI: “I get a dime for every square you climb! But if you miss a turn… SMACK …I’ll make your ears burn!”

47: “Your pedagogical methods are… messy. But your dedication to the perimeter is noted.”

BALDI (Tapping the board rhythmically): “Think fast! One plus two is...?”

47: “Zero witnesses.”

🧪

WALTER WHITE: “I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the one who calculates the coefficients! I have chemically engineered a way to move diagonally! I am the kingpin of the X-axis!”

SKYLER WHITE: “Walt, please, you’re a plastic figurine in a diorama.”

WALTER JR.: “…Why is his head more expensive than our house?”

🚔

HANK SCHRADER: “JESUS MARIE, it’s not a head, it’s a mineral! Look at the luster! He looks like a damn lightbulb convention.”

MARIE: “I hate how clean this feels. And it's not purple.”

STEVE GOMEZ: “Hank, I’m pretty sure that guy is the suspect. He’s carrying a sniper rifle in a briefcase on a public walkway.”

HANK: “Nonsense, Gomey! He’s just a very dedicated minimalist gardener!”

🎯

LEONEL SALAMANCA: “One step.”

MARCO SALAMANCA: “Enough.”

🩸

HECTOR SALAMANCA rings his bell furiously. DING DING DING

💥

TUCO SALAMANCA: “TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT! WHY HE SO CALM?? WHY HE MOVE LIKE THAT??”

47 (To his molded plastic gun): “Silence is my greatest weapon. But being physically glued to a circular base is a close second.”

TUCO: (Screams, leaves, comes back) “I LIKE THIS GUY. HE’S COLD. HE MOVES LIKE HE'S GOT CRYSTAL IN HIS VEINS!”

🍗

DON ELADIO, raising a glass: “Everything in its place. I like this game.”

GUS FRING: “A man provides. A system provides better. I respect a man who can wait for the optimal moment. We are the same, Agent. We do not move until the recipe is perfect.”

⚖️

SAUL GOODMAN: (Handing a tiny business card to a guard) “Did you know you have rights? The Constitution doesn’t say anything about ‘Turn-Based Liability.’ We’ll sue the grid right out from under him!”

KIM WEXLER: “Clear rules. Clear consequences. I want to play again.”

HOWARD HAMLIN: “I don’t love the vibe. It feels like a therapy session that ends in a garrote wire.”

🎀

RITA BENNETT: “Oh! This is very polite. Too polite.”

GOMEZ: “I want hazard pay.”

🧢

JESSE PINKMAN: “Yo… WHY HE NOT A GUY?? WHY HE A SHAPE?? HE JUST SLIDES LIKE A HOCKEY PUCK OF DEATH! YO HE’S GEOMETRY, ♥♥♥♥♥!”

JESSE (Pointing at the barcode): “Does that thing scan? Can I get 10% off at the grocery store if I just boop his head?”

🎙️ Voiceover as Agent 47 slides one square closer, calmly, eternally.

Hitman: GO isn’t about freedom. It isn’t about chaos.

It’s about knowing exactly what’s coming… Counting every move… And still losing anyway because you forgot the guard on the bottom left rotates every two turns.

🎬

HITMAN: GO. Rated B for Bald, G for Gridlocked, and S for "Seriously, how does he keep that suit so clean?"

HONEST TRAILERS. No hair. No shortcuts. Only moves.

(I loved the game before but not anymore.)

---

The Publisher materializes on a quiet seaside pier at dusk. The pier is entirely giant wooden sushi boards because the structural integrity of this game world is already questionable. Lanterns drift overhead with anime sparkles because this game REALLY wants you to know it likes anime. A koi leaps in the background on a loop that feels about as glitchy as the game’s quest triggers.

The Game Designer sits on a bobbing sushi boat, holding a fishing rod.

Publisher:
So, you have a wholesome seaside adventure game that runs in both VR and non-VR for me?

Game Designer:
Yes sir, I do! It’s called Sushi Ben, and it’s super easy to market because the game speaks for itself!

Publisher:
Oh really?

Game Designer:
Yeah! It screams! Loudly! Mostly because the difficulty spikes violently and unexpectedly, but it definitely speaks!

A massive crate slams onto the pier. Gintoki kicks it open like he’s trying to soft-lock the Publisher in real life.

⭐ GINTAMA ARRIVES TO SHOWCASE FEATURES AND SUFFERING

Gintoki:
OI, SHINPACHI, LOOK AT THIS THREE-DIMENSIONAL MANGA PANEL POPPING OUT UNPREDICTABLY LIKE THE GAME’S BUGS!

Shinpachi:
That panel almost took my head off—just like the ghost-hunting quests almost killed me emotionally!

Game Designer:
It’s a feature, not a bug!

Shinpachi:
So is the soft-locking, I guess!?

Kagura:
Mmm. This writing tastes familiar.
Also tastes like it’s trying WAY too hard.

Game Designer:
That’s because Hato Moa wrote it!

Katsura:
Hato Moa?! Then the narrative will be comedic yet touching… until it suddenly becomes cringe, try-hard cheese that worships the MC like he’s Anime Jesus for no reason!

Gintoki:
Since when were you a critic, Zura?

Katsura:
It’s not Zura! It’s Katsura! And even I think the yapping gets excessive!

Madao:
Is there a loan mechanic? This game feels like emotional debt.

Gintoki:
Put your shirt back on.

Madao:
I can’t, the teleport spam gave me a seizure and I dropped it.

⭐ POKÉMON ARRIVES TO SUFFER TOO

Ash:
MISTY LOOK AT THESE FISHING MECHANICS—YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO REEL THE FISH IN!

Misty:
Ash the fishing contest’s final round is harder than catching a level 70 Gyarados with a Poké Ball, calm down!

May:
The bug catching is relaxing!
Unlike literally every other side quest later!

Tracey:
The NPCs have dynamic schedules and personalities!
And also disappear for no reason so you can’t talk to them!

Jessie:
FORGET THE NPCS, WE’RE STEALING THE RARE WIGS AND ANY QUEST OBJECTIVES THAT DON’T EXIST!

James:
The ghost wig quest is terrifying—the ghosts have invincibility frames longer than my life expectancy!

⭐ KONOSUBA’S PAIN BEGINS

Aqua:
I WILL DOMINATE THIS GHOST-HUNTING MINI-GAME!

Aqua:
…Oh. No. I won’t.
This is impossible. There are too many ghosts. THEY SWARM LIKE TAX AUDITORS.

Megumin:
Is there explosion magic?

Aqua:
You get a vacuum. It’s not enough. I’m crying.

Darkness:
The ping pong physics hit me and I love it, but also my left eye is twitching from the teleport spam.

Kazuma:
Teleportation shouldn’t feel like getting hit by a strobe grenade.

⭐ LEAGUE CHARACTERS DROP IN TO CRITICIZE THE MECHANICS

Tahm Kench:
This town tastes of tourism management… and artificial difficulty padding.

Jinx:
CAN I BLOW UP THE LANDSHARKS?!

Game Designer:
No, Jinx, you defeat them with community spirit!

Jinx:
That’s worse.

Sougo:
Let her blow them up. Better than making her run across 500 meters of vertical terrain at two miles per hour.

⭐ VR MUSCLE MOMMIES ARRIVE TO CRITIQUE BALANCE

Dawnbreaker:
SISTERS, BEHOLD THE VR IMPLEMENTATION!

Junko (Sushi Ben):
Flatscreen mode works!
Except for the archery challenges, which are VR-bias torture.

Marci:
Whistles in trauma.

Brock:
JUNKO YOUR MUSCLES ARE AMAZING AND ALSO PLEASE HELP ME WITH THE ARCHERY QUEST I AM DYING INSIDE.

Kondo:
SUPLEX ME! IT’S LESS PAINFUL THAN MISSING ONE MORE ARCHERY SHOT!

⭐ TOUHOU + BORDERLANDS: SUFFERERS UNITED

Reimu:
THE LANDSHARKS ARE BUYING UP MY SHRINE BUT WORSE—THIS GAME MAKES ME BACKTRACK SO SLOWLY I’M LOSING DONATION MONEY.

Marisa:
The manga panels pop like danmaku!
More consistent than the quest directions, honestly.

Touhou Junko:
Muscle Woman! I do not need my son! I need YOU to carry me through the ghost missions that have broken my spirit!

Junko (Sushi Ben):
Adopted daughters require protein. And patience. And bug patches.

Gaige:
I tried to hack the game and even I couldn’t fix the soft-locks or find those stupid floating objects for that rude occult granny!

Claptrap:
HELLO TRAVELERS, I’M FUNNIER THAN THE DIALOGUE!

Mr. Torgue:
WHERE ARE THE EXPLOSIONS?!

Megumin:
They replaced them with FISHING. SO MUCH FISHING.

⭐ THE VILLAIN ARRIVES TO EXPLAIN GENTRIFICATION AND BUGS

Minami:
FOOLS! YOU CANNOT SAVE THIS SUSHI BAR OR ESCAPE THESE DIFFICULTY SPIKES!

Game Designer:
She’s the villain and also an allegory for patch notes that never arrive!

Publisher:
Is she sitting on salarymen?

Kondo:
CRUSH ME WITH YOUR PATCH NOTES, MOMMY!

Minami:
Disgusting. Anyway, look at my hair physics—they work better than the archery controls.

⭐ THE SALES PITCH COLLAPSES LIKE THE PIER

Gintoki:
Hato Moa wrote it?
Fine, I’ll buy two copies.
One for me, one to throw into the ocean in anger after the ghost quest.

Ash:
I CHOOSE SUSHI BEN!
For now.
Until I hit the Dark Souls difficulty spike.

Game Designer:
Everyone wants to save Kotobuki Town!

Publisher:
Even after all those complaints?

Game Designer:
It’s a narrative adventure!
And a fishing sim!
And a ping pong game!
And a teleportation-induced seizure simulator!

Publisher:
Is it available now?

Game Designer:
On Steam! VR and flatscreen!
VR perfect!
Flatscreen… emotionally damaging!

Publisher:
Wow wow wow. Wow.

Game Designer:
Buy it before the pier collapses under the weight of its own difficulty curve!

The pier instantly collapses.

Darkness:
YES! CRUSH ME UNDER THE UNPATCHED BUGS!

Megumin:
EXPLOSION OF FRUSTRATION!

Mr. Torgue:
BUY THE GAME OR DON’T, MY EMOTIONAL RANGE IS MAXED OUT!

Jinx:
I’M BLOWING UP THE FLOATING OBJECTS BECAUSE I CAN’T FIND THEM!

Gaige:
ANARCHY FOREVER AND ALSO FIX YOUR GAME!

Publisher:
Oh my god the meeting is over!

Game Designer:
Final report, sir: Sushi Ben is… emotionally complicated!

---

TRAILER GUY:
From the studio that once looked at pigeons and said “Yes, they deserve emotional depth,” comes the seaside adventure that starts calm…
…and then sprints off like it just remembered it left the oven on.

Welcome to—

ON-SCREEN TEXT:
SUSHI BEN
(Cozy game. Chaotic ambitions.)

GAIGE (BLASTING INTO FRAME):
OH GOOD, YOU STARTED THE TRAILER!
PERFECT!
I’M ON VERSION FOUR OF PIGEONTRAP ULTRA+
BECAUSE THESE SIDE QUESTS HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SELF-CONTROL.

PIGEONTRAP:
COO—INTENSITY LEVEL: “SERIOUSLY?”—COO.

TRAILER GUY:
Gaige… what happened?

GAIGE:
WHAT DIDN’T HAPPEN?!
SUSHI BEN BEGINS LIKE A RELAXING POSTCARD
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY DECIDES IT WANTS A PERSONALITY PLOT TWIST, A GHOSTLY PLOT TWIST!

TRAILER GUY:
Ghost quests?

GAIGE:
THEY MULTIPLY.
THEY ARRIVE LIKE THEY HEARD THERE WAS FREE MERCH.

PIGEONTRAP:
COO—GHOST QUANTITY: “EXCESSIVE”—COO.

TRAILER GUY:
Floating-object quest?

GAIGE:
THE OBJECTS ARE HIDING LIKE THEY’RE TRAINING FOR A TALENT SHOW.
THEY ARE VERY COMMITTED TO THE BIT.

TRAILER GUY:
And the archery?

GAIGE:
Trial one: “Hello!”
Trial three: “SURPRISE! WE HAVE EXPECTATIONS!”

TRAILER GUY:
And the map?

GAIGE:
WHO DESIGNED THIS PLACE?!
It has layers, altitudes, secret altitudes, and a teleporter that barely blinks you forward like it’s trying to be subtle but somehow still startling!

TRAILER GUY:
So jump into a stylish seaside adventure…
…that starts wholesome and then sprints off in its own direction.

GAIGE:
AND I’M STILL PLAYING!!
I HAVE SO MANY OPINIONS AND THEY’RE ALL SHOUTING AT ME!

TRAILER GUY:
Sushi Ben: the cozy adventure that calmly introduces itself…
…before powering up and shouting, “BEHOLD MY TRUE FORM!”

Wordatro begins quietly.
A few letters.
A modest board.
Nothing insists on importance yet.

A word lands.
It scores.
It passes.

At first, anything works.
Short connections.
Simple gains.
The board is forgiving,
almost indifferent.

Patience, however, is noticed.

Small words fade into utility.
They clear paths.
They hold space.
They make room for something else.

PATTERNS appear.
SEQUENCES follow.
The board tightens its logic.

A longer word changes the mood.
Not loudly,
but decisively.
It does not spike the score,
it alters the future.

FRACTAL
draws multipliers inward,
aligns corners that once ignored each other,
and suddenly the board remembers
what has been built.

Six letters begins to feel necessary.
Seven feels deliberate.
Eight becomes an assertion.

Runs stop feeling accidental.
Choices accumulate.
The board responds less to impulse
and more to preparation.

CONVERGENCE.
RESONANCE.
CONTINUITY.

Words now arrive with consequence.
They do not simply score.
They commit the run
to a direction.

The interface does not change,
and that is its strength.
It stays composed,
unimpressed by growth,
clear enough that failure is obvious
and success needs no commentary.

Perks stop being gifts.
They become obligations.
AMPLIFY demands space.
STRUCTURE demands restraint.
Each decision narrows the future
while making it stronger.

The music settles deeper,
never rising,
never leaving.
It steadies thought
as the board grows heavier
with intention.

ANCHORING becomes essential.
REFINEMENT becomes survival.
FOUNDATION matters more than speed.

Mistakes end runs quietly.
No warning.
No correction.
Only the knowledge
of what was missing.

And then,
when everything finally aligns,
a word lands that carries the board forward.

Not flashy.
Not lucky.
Earned.

At this point, the game is no longer gentle.
But it is fair.

Wordatro becomes about winning deliberately.
About shaping conditions
until success is unavoidable.
Language and strategy no longer separate,
they move as one,
slow,
intentional,
stable.

It is a game I return to
not for excitement,
but for the satisfaction
of building something substantial
from letters,
and watching it unfold.

You were loyal. You were devoted. You pre-ordered the Ultimate Edition for a skin so useless it might as well have been an NFT. You believed Borderlands 4 would revive the franchise. And in return, the game handed you 250 hours of beige emotional decay.

You didn’t just play Borderlands 4. You survived it.

🔥 BORDERLANDS 4: THE FRANCHISE KILLER

Welcome to a game that took everything you once loved about Borderlands—tight arenas, punchy pacing, actual jokes—and replaced it all with:

empty deserts,

shader purgatory,

and side quests written by someone who fell asleep on their keyboard.

It’s like Gearbox tried to reinvent the wheel and instead invented a beige octagon.

🌵 THE KAIROS OPEN WORLD

Kairos isn’t empty — it’s pointless. A giant map where every canyon looks the same, every outpost is a copy-paste, and every mission is five minutes of content buried under fifteen minutes of walking.

You don’t explore Kairos.
You run errands on it.

It’s not an open world — it’s an open parking lot.

🔧 THE SHADER COMPILATION PRISON

Every time you:

boot the game,

switch zones,

sneeze near your settings tab,

your PC initiates liftoff.

Your GPU has seen things. Your CPU is filing for workers’ comp.

🛒 THE VENDING MACHINE PENALTY BOX

Inventory management so awful it should be classified as psychological warfare.

Delete endless trash guns. Fast travel back to sell them. Fast travel forward. Realize you forgot to sort shields. Repeat.

By hour 200, your brain autocorrects the word "loot" to "chore."

🧙‍♂️ THE NEW VAULT HUNTERS

Because even when the writing, pacing, UI, audio, and world collapse, these four still look like they belong in a better game.

🥊 Rafa – The Exo-Himbo With Zesty Spanish Flair

A mech suit powered entirely by charisma and rolled R’s. Looks like he’d flirt with a warship then suplex it.

🔥 Vex – The Goth Mommy Panther Queen

Shadowy. Deadly. Stylish. Could ruin your life emotionally AND magically.

⚒️ Amon – Cyber Viking Reinhardt Poet

A towering chrome demigod who shouts battle-poetry and smashes things so beautifully you almost forgive the game.

🧪 Harlowe – The Mad Scientist Gal Boss

She builds bombs out of scrap metal and spite. Every line she delivers feels one meltdown away from creating a pocket dimension.

These four deserved a story. Instead, they got Kairos.

⚖️ THE SCALES OF INJUSTICE

Where do we even start?

🤺 THE MELEE PROBLEM

Every third enemy sprints at you like they’re late for Black Friday deals.

🔫 THE PARTS GAME

Getting a Legendary isn’t enough. You need the right parts. The right prefixes. The right sight. And the universe’s blessing.

Your drop chances are roughly equivalent to winning the lottery during an eclipse.

💢 THE RIFT OF RAGE

Fight a boss inside a tiny bubble. Step outside? Despawn. Boss moves? Despawn. Loot jiggles wrong? Despawn.

It’s less a mechanic and more a threat.

💼 THE LOST LOOT MACHINE LIE

Find 3 white pistols. Cry. Repeat.

📈 THE MAYHEM GRIND

Mayhem mode: the mode that hates you. Your build becomes obsolete. Your gear becomes trash. Your will to live becomes negotiable.

🔇 THE SOUND OF NOTHING

Gone is the chaos. Gone is the energy. Gone is the Borderlands identity.

Welcome to:

elevator ambience,

corporate stock tracks,

and long, reflective silences where you question your life.

📜 THE NARRATIVE BETRAYAL
⏳ THE TIMEKEEPER

A villain so boring even his henchmen are trying to transfer departments.

💤 THE DIALOGUE DRAG

For every golden joke, you’re force-fed three monologues referencing 2014 memes.

🧟 THE MISSING HEROES

Claptrap is peak comedy-tragedy as always. But Gaige? Gone. Jinx? Gone. Maya? Still dead and somehow STILL carrying the narrative.

Gaige: "NOT IN THE GAME?! BRO, I COULD'VE FIXED THIS ENTIRE PLOT WITH A SCREWDRIVER, A ZIP-TIE, AND A MILD ELECTROCUTION! YOU KNOW HOW MANY LOOT SYSTEMS I'VE REBUILT IN MY SLEEP?!"

Gaige: "AND WHY ISN'T DEATH-TRAP HERE?! HE DID MORE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT THAN HALF THIS SCRIPT!"

Torgue: "YOU CAN'T SPELL BORDERLANDS WITHOUT TORGUE—BECAUSE IF YOU TRY, THE LETTERS EXPLODE!! AND GUESS WHAT THIS GAME NEEDED?! EXACTLY!!"

Torgue: "I SHOULD'VE BEEN THE FINAL BOSS! I’D HAVE LET YOU WIN AFTER A 45-MINUTE GUITAR SOLO AND A FISTFIGHT WITH THE MOON!!"

Maya: "I died once already. Borderlands 4 managed to kill my legacy. Honestly? That takes talent. The wrong kind, but still."

Maya: "At this point, just put me in as a spiritual guide or a sassy ghost. I deserve at least that."

Claptrap: "HELLO, YES, I’M FILING A CLASS-A COMPLAINT—THEY CUT MY SCREENTIME BUT KEPT EVERY BUG LIKE THEY'RE IN THE UNION!"

Claptrap: "ALSO, THEY STILL DIDN'T LET ME DRIVE THE CAR. COWARDS!!"

Brick: "BRICK ANGRY. BRICK SMASH. BRICK DEMAND SEQUEL WHERE BRICK IS MAIN CHARACTER AND EVERY GUN IS JUST A BIGGER BRICK!!"

Brick: "BRICK ALSO WANT ROMANCE OPTIONS. FOR BRICK. BRICK READY."

Mordecai: "No cameo? Not even a drunk voicemail? Man… Bloodwing would've boycotted this AND left a nasty Yelp review."

Mordecai: "Also, the sniper rifles suck. Yeah, I said it."

Tiny Tina: "Y’ALL DROPPED A WHOLE-A** GAME WITHOUT TINA?! I'MA BAKE A CAKE SO EXPLOSIVE IT'LL RETCON ME BACK INTO THE STORY!!"

Tiny Tina: "YOU CAN’T SILENCE ME!! I TALK IN ALL CAPS NATURALLY!!"

Marcus: "No me? No guns. No guns? No customers. No customers? No MONEY! THIS IS AN ECONOMIC DISASTER AND I DEMAND COMPENSATION FROM EVERYONE INVOLVED!"

Marcus: "Also, who is running the vending machines? Because they are doing a TERRIBLE job."

Dr. Zed: "I AIN'T BEEN LICENSED IN YEARS AND THEY STILL DIDN'T CALL ME. THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW THEY MESSED UP REAL BAD. EVEN UNSAFE MEDICINE WOULD'VE HELPED THIS GAME."

Dr. Zed: "Seriously though, I could’ve stitched this plot together with dental floss and hope."

Tannis: "I have been scientifically, narratively, spiritually, AND offensively excluded. I am filing a multiverse complaint AND A THESIS PAPER ABOUT THIS FAILURE."

Tannis: "Also, please stop touching my lab equipment. ALL OF YOU."

Also, the last-minute script-swap of Ava → Amara is so sloppy you can see the penciled-in eraser marks where Ava used to be.




Ellie: "Sweetie, I would've driven into this story but the plot keeps stalling."

Scooter (from heaven): "Y'ALL COULD'VE AT LEAST MENTIONED ME, DANG IT!"

Zero: "Observation: this game missing / half the cast that made it good / error: sadness.exe."

Lorelei (somewhere off‑screen): "At this point I’m deliverin’ disappointment with a side of burnout, hun."

Rhys: "I shaved my mustache for THIS timeline?"

Vaughn: "BRO, I STILL DON'T HAVE A SHIRT AND NOW I DON'T HAVE A CAMEO EITHER."

Roland (ghostly sigh): "I didn’t come back for BL3… and apparently I’m not allowed in this one either. Figures."

Salvador: "NO SALVADOR?! THAT’S LIKE NO BULLETS!! AND I LOVE BULLETS!!"

Krieg (distant screaming): "WHERE IS MY SCENE?! THE MEAT SCRIPT DEMANDS MY BEAUTIFUL CARNAGE POETRY!!"

Axton (radio static): "I WAS RIGHT THERE AND THEY PATCHED ME OUT? That’s cold, even for Hyperion standards."

Fiona: "Not even a cameo? Really? I carried an entire Telltale season on my back!"

🧠 THE SIDEQUEST SUFFERING

Escort missions slower than shader compiling. Fetch quests that age you in real time. Side characters with the personality of wet cardboard. Carry a fragile object across the entire map and pray RNGesus protects you from a Skag sneeze.

💀 THE FINAL REGRET

You gave the game:

time,

money,

emotion,

a positive review you can’t take back.

It gave you:

beige,

burnout,

and an existential crisis.

Borderlands 4 is the moment the franchise became Open World Ubi-Slop.

🧨 THE FINAL KICK IN THE VAULT

The ending answers nothing. Resolves nothing. Fixes nothing.

But you and I both know you’re buying Borderlands 5 if they drop a cool trailer.

Borderlands 4: Because hope is a renewable resource. And Gearbox is the refinery.

(Review text hidden)

Jinx:
THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THPS BACK, YOU ABSOLUTE GENIUSES — THIS REMAKE HITS SO HARD I’M PRACTICALLY SPINNING OFF THE WALLS AND I REGRET NOTHING! YOU MADE SKATEBOARDING FEEL LIKE PURE, BEAUTIFUL CHAOS AGAIN AND I WANNA KISS THE CODE!

Gaige:
YES — THANK YOU! YOU DEVS REBUILT THPS WITH SUCH PRECISION AND PASSION MY BRAIN TRIED TO REBOOT FROM JOY! EVERY LINE OF DESIGN IS LIKE “HEY GAIGE, FREAK OUT ABOUT ME” AND I DO. I REALLY, REALLY DO!

They high-five in explosive Anarchy and yell together:
“YOU ABSOLUTE LEGENDS MADE THE BEST REMAKE EVER — WE LOVE YOU AND WE LOVE THPS!”
“AND IF JOY HAD A SPECIAL METER, YOU MAXED IT OUT!”
“NOW TAKE A BOW BECAUSE YOU JUST LANDED A PERFECT 900 OF PURE AWESOME!”

---

The meeting doesn’t begin in a normal place. It begins in motion.

The Game Designer and Publisher suddenly find themselves skating at slow, cinematic speed through an enormous, glowing tunnel made of shifting THPS environments.

Each legendary level appears, dissolves, and reforms around them like a living museum of skateboarding history.

Classic tracks echo faintly, shifting with each level:

A riff of Superman reverbs across Warehouse.

The opening of 96 Quite Bitter Beings sparkles through School II.

When Worlds Collide thunders as they pass Hangar.

Guerrilla Radio lights up Venice Beach with rhythmic intensity.

Time stretches. The scenes ripple.

It feels like the history of THPS is welcoming them home.

Finally, the shifting environments fade, and they land perfectly on a floating halfpipe platform.

The Publisher looks around, stunned by the cosmic nostalgia. The Game Designer grins confidently. A curtain shaped exactly like Tony Hawk stands nearby, gently swaying.

The pitch meeting begins…

Publisher:

So you have a full remake of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1 and 2 for me?

Game Designer:

Yes sir, I do! And it’s going to blast people straight into the nostalgia dimension so hard they’ll hear Superman in their bones.

Publisher:

Ooooh, nostalgia-bone-vibrations are tight!

Game Designer:

Very tight! Almost as tight as a perfectly timed manual you absolutely didn’t intend to land but pretend you did.

THE CONTROLS – UNTOUCHABLE AND PERFECT
Publisher:

So what did you change about the controls?

Game Designer:

Nothing. At all. Zero changes. The controls remain the gold standard of arcade perfection.

Publisher:

Why?

Game Designer:

Because they’re unbeatable. If you change them even slightly, somewhere a skateboard spirit cries.

Publisher:

A very sensitive spirit!

Game Designer:

Exactly! So now, modern players get the same instant, precise, responsive feel the originals had—except now it runs at a smooth framerate instead of "guess what’s happening."

Publisher:

Oh wow wow wow. Wow.

THE LEVELS APPEAR AGAIN (MORE THIS TIME)

The THPS Multiverse flares, flashing through even more levels, each arriving in slow, heroic fashion:

Warehouse — dust drifts dramatically in slow motion.

School II — rails shine like academic treasures.

The Hangar — the helicopter rotates like it wants applause.

Venice Beach — palm trees glow like celebrities.

The Mall — escalators sigh nostalgically.

NY City — taxis blink politely.

Streets — pigeons respectfully do nothing.

Roswell — a UFO hums, impressed by skate tricks.

Downhill Jam — the entire canyon flexes.

Burnside — graffiti becomes poetry.

Publisher:

Why are the levels showing off like they’re auditioning for a prestige documentary?

Game Designer:

So the nostalgia can happen!

Publisher:

Fair enough!

THE SOUNDTRACK – A TIME MACHINE WITH SPEAKERS
Publisher:

People loved the soundtrack. What’s the deal there?

Game Designer:

We brought back the big hitters: Superman, When Worlds Collide, 96 Quite Bitter Beings, Guerrilla Radio, No Cigar, and so much more. These tracks hit so hard they unlock memories people didn’t even know they saved.

Publisher:

A very musical memory vault!

Game Designer:

Exactly! It’s a curated nostalgia punch to the soul—but, you know, in a friendly way.

Publisher:

And the missing songs?

Game Designer:

Whoops!

Publisher:

Whoopsie!

Game Designer:

But the returning songs are so powerful the sky basically changes color.

GAMEPLAY – COMBOS THAT DEFY LOGIC
Publisher:

And how are the combos?

Game Designer:

Unhinged in the best possible way. We added manuals and reverts across both games so players can chain tricks from one side of a map to the other.

Publisher:

Isn’t that extremely complicated to implement?

Game Designer:

Super easy, barely an inconvenience.

Publisher:

Oh really?

Game Designer:

No! But now the combo system can happen.

Publisher:

That works!

TONY HAWK ARRIVES (FINALLY)

The curtain drops dramatically. TONY HAWK stands there holding a skateboard. Next to him stands his pet hawk, also named Tony, wearing a tiny helmet.

Publisher:

Oh my god—that’s Tony Hawk! And… Tony Hawk the Hawk?!

Tony Hawk:

We’re a package deal.

Publisher:

A very iconic duo!

Game Designer:

Tony’s here to confirm the remake is faithful.

Tony Hawk:

It’s perfect. The flow, the tricks, the levels—everything feels just like the originals, but better. Even the sky looks like it’s cheering.

Publisher:

That works!

TONY DISCUSSES THE REMAKE (WITH HIS HAWK DOING SICK FLIPS)

Tony steps forward confidently, and Tony-the-Hawk hops onto his tiny board, letting out an enthusiastic "Kreeee!" as the levels flicker dramatically behind them.

Publisher:

Tony, what do you think of the remake now that you've fully tested it?

Tony Hawk:

Honestly? It’s everything these games always deserved. The visuals? Gorgeous. The controls? Still perfect. The levels? Faithfully rebuilt. The combo system? So good it should probably come with a warning label that says "May cause unstoppable joy."

Tony-the-Hawk does a tiny ollie and spins a perfect miniature 360.

Game Designer:

He likes to express agreement through flips.

Publisher:

A very acrobatic endorsement!

Tony Hawk:

The best part is how the remake captures the feel of the originals. That sense of flow, speed, responsiveness—all still there. But now it looks like how your brain remembers the old games looking, not how they actually did.

Tony-the-Hawk responds with a proud "KREE-KRRR!" then lands a 50-50 grind on a floating rail the exact width of a breadstick.

Publisher:

Wow wow wow. Wow.

Game Designer:

Yeah, Tony-the-Hawk’s balance stats are maxed out.

Tony Hawk:

What I also love is how players—new and old—can jump right in. Veterans feel instantly at home, newcomers feel like they’re discovering the holy grail of skate games.

Tony-the-Hawk nods and hits a tiny manual into a tiny revert into a tiny kickflip, then squeaks proudly.

Publisher:

He just did a full combo.

Game Designer:

Yeah, he’s been practicing combos since Roswell appeared earlier.

Tony-the-Hawk flaps once, glides in a circle, lands softly, then does a triumphant "kreeeee!"

Tony Hawk:

Anyway, the remake sets a new bar for bringing classics back. It’s faithful, polished, fast, smooth—it’s everything the originals were, just refined. I’m proud of the team and proud that people get to experience it again.

The hawk hops onto Tony’s shoulder, raises one wing, and gives a celebratory screech.

Publisher:

A very feathery approval!

Game Designer:

Alright… now we’re ready.

THE SUNSET FINALE

A glowing horizon opens across the THPS multiverse. Colors swirl like the end of a skateboarding opera.

The opening synth of:
🎶 “Don’t you… forget about me…” 🎶
begins echoing.

Tony Hawk:

Alright. Let’s ride.

Tony pushes off. The Game Designer and Publisher follow. Tony-the-Hawk rolls on his tiny board beside them.

The music swells. The sunset brightens.

Tony hits a glowing ramp, launches upward, and performs a majestic, perfect 900 against the sky.

They roll together into the sunset—three skateboarders and one legendary hawk—heading into the glowing horizon of eternal THPS nostalgia.

END.