My friends, it has often been said that I like Christmas.

My friends, I like Christmas...

No, friends, I love Christmas!

I love Jingle Bells.

I love Ginger Breads.

I love Rudolph the Reindeer.

I love presents, advent calendars, I love giving gifts, and getting gifts. Christmas across countries, in streets, in houses, in grasslands, in frozen tundras, through deserts, on the sea, in the air, I love every act of Christmas that can occur upon this earth.

I love finding cookies and milk on the counter, waiting for me to enjoy them on my trip.

My heart leaps with joy whenever a stocking is nailed high into the air and filled to the brim with mouth-watering chocolates. And there is nothing like a child using his brand new bike to spin doughnuts in the street. And the feeling that comes when a group of carolers shows up at my door and I hear them sing their tunes, is such an exquisite feeling. Like when scores of children write their letters to me. It moves me deep within my heart to watch a young child sitting on my lap to spout “I want this” and “I want that”

The sight of couples kissing under a missile toe is an irresistible pleasure. And there is nothing more arousing, than the sounds made by Hershey kisses on the stove, screaming in agony as they liquify into lovely melted chocolate!

When a band of middle school children awkwardly sings every Christmas song ever written, (tone suddenly softens) I'm in ecstasy.

I love it when my fireplace is blazing with a warming Christmas fire. It's so sad to see elves by the dozen exhausted by a particularly complex Christmas wish.

I love to be squashed under the heel of the Apple and Amazon gift machines. The humiliation, as one child receives a pair of sweatpants when the sibling got a PlayStation.

Gentlemen... All I ask for is Christmas, a Christmas so grand as to make Heaven itself tremble. Gentlemen, I ask you as fellow brothers in arms, what is it that you really want? Do you wish for further Christmas as I do? (Voice begins to raise) Do you wish for a majestic Jolly Christmas? A Christmas whose joy is built with chocolate, and chestnuts, and love? (Dramatically raises voice) Do you ask for Christmas to sweep in like a tempest, leaving nothing but jolliness to exist on this Earth!?

(The elves begin chanting "Joy")

...Very well. Then Joy is what you shall have. We are a closed box, ready to fill all who greet us, with our glee.

But... After enduring over half a millennium with little white Christmases, for us, a simple "ordinary" Christmas will no longer be sufficient. (Raises voice) We need a MASSIVE Christmas! A Christmas beyond any other that man's history has ever known!

We are but a single workshop... Our army of hardworking elves is less than a thousand strong. However, I believe that each of you old elves is equal to a thousand of their smoke-spewing factories! We represent a force that could easily outperform million and one workers!

It is time to awake the ones who wrote us letters and sat on our lap, and who now lie sleeping. Let's drag them out of bed by the smell of cookies, and remind them of what we are! We will remind them of what it feels like to live in happiness. We will remind them of the sound our snow boots make on their roof.

We will remind them, that there are more things between Thanksgiving and New years than are dreamt of in their calendars.

Our assembly line of one thousand elves is going to fill this world up with cheer.

Yes, my friends! Soon, the north poles powerful sleigh will illuminate the night sky!

I have brought you all back just as I promised I would. Back to our favorite battlefield. Back to our beloved Christmas!

...At last, the reindeer has left the fog and is heading down the chimney. Attention, all elves of the Christmas Past, Present, and Future!

This is a message from your Santa.

…Friends...

Let’s bring them joy.