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17 of 28 (61%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

Go Left

Move to the left.
Unlocked 2 Sep, 2019 @ 1:59pm

Go Right

Move to the right.
Unlocked 2 Sep, 2019 @ 1:59pm

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Unlocked 2 Sep, 2019 @ 2:22pm

Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
Unlocked 8 Sep, 2019 @ 4:49am

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Unlocked 2 Sep, 2019 @ 3:03pm

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Unlocked 2 Sep, 2019 @ 3:04pm

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
Unlocked 28 Sep, 2022 @ 3:18pm

Clumsy

Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
Unlocked 8 Sep, 2019 @ 4:12am

A Better John

Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Unlocked 8 Sep, 2019 @ 4:55am

Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
Unlocked 31 Dec, 2020 @ 7:40am

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2019 @ 4:40am

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2019 @ 4:34am

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.
Unlocked 31 Dec, 2020 @ 7:39am

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
Unlocked 31 Dec, 2020 @ 7:16am

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
Unlocked 31 Dec, 2020 @ 6:52am

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
Unlocked 31 Dec, 2020 @ 6:39am

Autopaedicatio

Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
Unlocked 31 Dec, 2020 @ 6:43am



Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.

Early Bird

Swallow every worm.

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.

Paperwork

Submit your monthly physical report.

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.
+3

3 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked