I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back. I think it would be truly alarming.
Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.
Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.
How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach? Well it's not hard, really...
Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail? The retail store of course.
What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!
One skeleton to the other: Man, I’m so hard in love with Bella, I can barely think straight. I’d love to ask her out but I just don’t have the guts.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
What is a typical diet of a sea monster? Fish and ships.
What did the ranch sauce say when you opened the fridge? Hey, close the door! Can’t you see I’m dressing?
Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday.
What would you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.
If goods get damaged in transport, does it become ‘bads’?
They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms. Policemen are looking into it now.
I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What should a proper lawyer wear to a court? A good law suit.
I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.
Dracula didn’t have many friends because he was a real pain in the neck.
Daughter: Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?
Mom: No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
A patient burst into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is now stable.
Why did the balloon go near the needle? He wanted to be a pop star.
I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
I used to suffer from soap addiction, but I’m clean now.
What are the toughest days? Sunday and Saturday, the rest are simply weakdays.
If a wild pig kills you, does it mean you’ve been boared to death?
What do snowmen do in their spare time? Just chilling.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool. Ok, give him a bucket of water then.
What was the football coach yelling at the vending machine? “Gimme my quarter back!!!”
Q: Why did the lights go out? A: They liked each other a lot.
Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.
What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.
“Why is there music coming out of your printer?” “That will be the paper jamming again!”
"Thank you for your call to the NSA, the only governmental agency that really listens to you.”
I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk? Winnie the Pooh.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator door? Close the door, will you? I’m dressing!
What lies on the ocean bed and is twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck.
I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve ever seen!”
I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig…the poem may not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep.
Why do mathematicians tend to marry larger women? Because they like curves.
The guests in this hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms. Dirty people!
Your poop is my daily bread. Michael, 36, Sewage worker
Wherever I go, I’m greeted with much warmth. Derek, 53, Fireman
You’re becoming a vegetarian? I think that’s a big missed steak.
Where do cows like to go in their spare time? In the Muuuuuuseum.
Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!
Velcro is just a big rip-off.
Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
One pen to the other: You are INKredible.
It’s not nice making fun of fat people. They’ve got enough on their plates as it is.
Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.
I don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it!
Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
I was trying to catch some fog earlier but I mist.
Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.
Why did the octopus blush? He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
Why does Peter Pan fly all the time? He Neverlands.
Why are programmers not fans of the outdoors? There are too many bugs.
I’d love to know how the Earth rotates. It would totally make my day.
Why is the math book so sad? It's got too many problems!
Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? -- He's all right now.“
Nurse to a doctor: Doctor, here’s your list of heart, liver and kidney donors. I already sorted them alphabetically.
Doctor: Excellent job. Seriously well organ-ized.
Doctor: You're obese.
Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
Do you think that when Han Solo married Princess Leia, she demanded that he change his name to Han Married?
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
Why was the tomato all red? It saw the salad dressing.
What would you call a fish with a missing eye? A fsh, probably.
I wanted to tell you a joke about leeches. But I won’t – they all suck.
Do you know how Moses makes his tea? Hebrews it!
A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
“Sorry,” growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.”
How to achieve a beach body?
1. Have a body
2. Arrive at the beach.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, one, but the lightbulb really has to change itself.
Why didn’t the toilet paper go down the water slide like everybody else? Well, he got stuck in the crack.
There were two straw hats on a hanger. One of them said to the other, “Tell you what, you enjoy yourself here for a while longer, I’ll go on a-head.”
What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall? Dam!!!
Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.
They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.
A group of termites marches into a saloon and ask: “Is the bar tender here?”
I wonder why there aren’t any more cemeteries around. People are really dying to get in there.
I cannot stand insect puns. They bug the heck out of me.
What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.
How many Mexicans are necessary to screw in a light bulb? Only Juan.
Can February March? No, but April May.