There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree
Gussied up candy canes and balls
Those carolers have kept me up for hours
It's Merry Christmas seeping through my walls
Now I'm no Wiccan commie nut or nothing
But there's one damn holiday that I can't stand
It ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools
But it'll surely make a fool out of every man
HA

If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't Hanukkah
And all you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ go to hell
If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world and jack and coke
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
Cause I never anything but broke

Now every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit
And those colored lights are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ infantile
I think we collectively as the people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
And tell the world:
"Let's buy some peace and quiet for a change"
Before we spend it all on ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ toys
HA

So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't Hanukkah
Fa la la la la go ♥♥♥♥ yourself!
If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
So leave this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ scrooge the ♥♥♥♥ alone
HA