There are 3 basic types of eating utensils; the spoon, the knife, and… the fork. They all have their roles to play in the consumption of food, or so it would seem. The spoon in its eternal grace and kindness, simply picks up the food while not alternating it on a mechanical or chemical level. It does not cut the food, nor does it, heaven forbid, puncture the food. It can be used to cut food, but that is not its original purpose, so anybody who does so should have their genitals castrated.

It picks up food; that’s it, no strings attached. When you think about it, the spoon is a symbol of modesty. It does not intrude upon the source it is taking from, it simply takes without disrupting the natural state of the food. That is a noble deed, and one we as a species should strive to emulate. We intrude upon nature and take its valuable resources, leaving the natural state lesser than then it once was. We should all learn from the wise and all-knowing spoon and instead of just taking the natural resources, we should also leave nature as it once was by replacing those natural resources. That is the lesson of the spoon, and an enlightening one it is.

The shape of the spoon is calming, natural, smooth, and circular. This shape matches the nature of the spoon perfectly, subconsciously informing whoever lays their eyes on the majestic utensil that it does not mean any harm, and more rather means the opposite.

Whether it be metal or plastic, the spoon is a grand and wise entity, and should be treated with respect.

The knife, on the other hand, is a mildly disgusting and disgraceful entity. It does not demonstrate the same level of etiquette and manners as the heralded spoon, though it is at the very least not as horrible as… it who shall not be mentioned. Its entire purpose when used in the consumption of food is to cut into the food. Cut into the food! Can you believe that?! It takes a smaller piece from a larger portion, leaving that larger portion uncomplete, insufficient, defiling it, leaving it exposed and overall disgracing the meal. This is unacceptable and quite frankly disgusting. However, to the knife’s credit it does have some modesty in its utterly despicable act. It slices the meal, but it cleanly does it; no chunks, no pieces falling off, no… holes. It’s not a messy job, and so I don’t consider the knife a complete degenerate. Again, anybody who uses the knife beyond its intended purpose should have their genitalia burned off with a hot soldering iron.

The shape and structure of the knife is reminiscent of its nature; hostile and vulgar. The sharp edge and pointy end tell all who are unfortunate enough to cross paths the true nature of the atrocious utensil.

However, despite all these outrageous flaws, the knife is unfortunately essential to the consumption of food. The demoralizing yet useful ability to divide food into smaller pieces for easier consumption is needed and necessary. So at the end of the day, the knife is staying no matter how much I despise it.

Forks. What is a fork? Well I’ll tell you what a fork is, it’s a SPAWN OF ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ SATAN HIMSELF. Allow me to explain. What is a fork used for? Picking up food, obviously. Now, how does the fork achieve this? That’s pretty obvious too, it ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ STICKS ITS ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PRONGS INTO THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ FOOD! This is disgusting on so many levels. Unlike the knife, which cuts the food cleanly, the fork puts holes into the food. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ holes! And not just once, oh no, it has to put four, three or two at the same time! Billions of people have access to a at least one fork. Billions of people have used a fork at least once. Billions of people use forks daily. Billions of people use forks everyday. Billions of people use forks more than once a day. Do you realize how many innocent meals have been defiled by forks? Do you realize how many meals are being defiled right now? This is unacceptable. What makes it even more unacceptable is the fact that we don’t even need the fork! Why can’t we pick up food with our bare hands? Because we’ll get our hands messy? ♥♥♥♥ you, clean up afterwards! That is just a small price to pay for respecting and acknowledging the integrity of the meal. If you take only one thing from this, let it be this: stop using forks, use your hands instead.

Now, we talk about the shape of the fork. The fork is composed of a plastic or metal strip connected to the body, in which two, three or four prongs are connected to this body (four is the usual amount). Sound familiar? That’s right, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DEVIL FORKS! The disgusting and atrocious forks are connected to a weapon devils use! Do you know what this means? That means that all people who use forks, god forbid daily, are SATAN WORSHIPPERS whether they know it or not! All people who have used this abhorrent device are tied to Lucifer himself! Millions, no, BILLIONS of people will be cast to the depths of Hell as soon as they take their last breath! But it doesn’t have to be that way! You can still save yourself! Take all the forks in your house and throw them into a fire! Take all the forks in your house and run them over with your car! TAKE ALL THE FORKS YOU CAN FIND AND DESTROY THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL! This is the only way. This is the only way that you can find peace in Heaven. This is the only way you can avoid toiling away in the ninth layer of Hell. This is the only way.

Thank you for listening, and remember; always avoid forks.

Also, people who try to cheat by using sporks are still going to Hell. They’re also disgracing the good name of the spoon by combining it with… that thing.

Also, people who use the fork beyond its original purpose should have their genitals mashed into goo.