True Prophets of the Way of the Goose™

The Blessed Knights of the Holy Guild of Geese was founded in a small monastery/nightclub combo venue in Burmingham, England, in 1419 AD. By the following year, the fledgling organisation had spread its wings to mainland Europe and was granted supreme religious authority over the universe by papal decree in 1421, a decision eagerly welcomed by every nation except Bulgaria.

The Bulgarians continued to resist the authority of the Guild, and the situation deteriorated drastically in 1435, when Bulgaria launched a war on three fronts, marching troops into Bangladesh, Belgium and Brazil, as they were upset that they did not come first in an alphabetical list of B countries. With the financial backing of the Guild, Belgium was finally able to defeat the Bulgarian forces by detonating several small nuclear bombs, which were imported from Nepal across the silk road at great expense.

Although the Bulgarian war machine was dismantled, resentment lingered on both sides, and Pope Goosus II spent the remainder of his years trying to foster a lasting peace on the continent, offering generous financial aid in return for Bulgaria's co-operation in science, the arts, and space exploration. Alas, these efforts were in vain; the Bulgarians remained hostile, and he died from complications of rectal perforation in 1440, aged 13.

Following these unfortunate events, a sinister plot was hatched to seize control of the Papacy, lead by Cardinal Osama bin Llaman, a recent immigrant from the Moon. Through duplicitous schemery and cunning treachery, he procured the support of a slim majority of cardinals and was elected (Anti)Pope Llamus I. After culling those who did not vote for him, he began an unprecedented crackdown on the pro-Goose movement, denouncing his predecessor as a heretic and the Holy Guild as a terrorist organisation.

Most every knight who had once been loyal to the Guild was killed or deserted to the enemy, with the exception of 69 disciples, who retreated underground to ponder, consider, contemplate, ruminate, evaluate and mull over the situation. After several decades, it was decided that something must be done, but it soon became apparant that Llaman power had been cemented, and the Goosus dynasty was almost extinct. In this dire circumstance, the disciples were forced to break their vows of chastity, and engaged in several weeks of tireless and passionate lovemaking before realising that a female specimen was required.

After several awkward dinner dates and unreturned phone calls, humans were deemed unsuitable, so an unsuspecting duckling was kidnapped and brought to the Guild's secret lair beneath Trump Tower. The sordid details of the resulting gangbang are the subject of much speculation and several documentary films. Regardless of the exact process, 9 months later a baby was born, not quite human and not quite duck, a new species which was named after the Goosus dynasty. Around the same time Llamas appear in the fossil record.

For over 500 years, the offspring of our progenitor, lovingly referred to as Mother Goose, have kept the Guild alive and waited patiently for the moment to strike back. Generation by generation, we have perfected the arts and crafts of war, subterfuge, conspiracy, and ornate pottery. Finally, in 2014, our operation to seize back control began with the foundation of the Socialist Australian Nationalist Democratic New Independent Geese Guild Entity/Republican Society (S.A.N.D.N.I.G.G.E.R.S). This is just the first of many regional terror cells tasked with undermining global Llama authority.

As we approach our third year of guerilla warfare, our confidence in victory is greater than ever. Our quest? The destruction of all Llamas and their evil kin. Our cause? The freedom and prosperity of the Goose race. Together we stand. Together we fight. Together, we will triumph.