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Shreksual Tension

30 de novembro de 2017 - Sprouticas100 | 2 comentário(s)

Shrek was sitting in his house one cool evening, enjoying the peacefulness of his swamp. Thank God all those fairytale creatures had left months ago, he didn’t know how he’d avoid going crazy if they were still there.
The truth is, he wasn’t really enjoying that serene calmness, no matter how much he would have before he married Fiona. Oh God, Fiona. He still couldn’t believe she was gone...
That horrible Farquaad. Shrek still remembered the glistening of crimson on sharp silver as Fiona fell to the ground, Farquaad standing over her with a look of pure evil in his eyes, driven by envy. Shrek could do nothing but stand by and watch, as his shock caused him to freeze.
The silence only served as a reminder to him that she wasn’t here, stirring up antics with Donkey or talking to him about her day.
He missed those days. But he knew he had to get over them, no matter how painful it was. He wished it was his gut that blade had plunged into, but he knew it couldn’t have been so because Farquaad wanted to see him suffer. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally too. The bastard.
Even Donkey had left after Fiona died. Shrek couldn’t blame him, it just wasn’t the same anymore without her. He’d left with his dragon girlfriend. (Shrek still wasn’t able to see how that relationship could ever work. I mean, how did they...Never mind.)
Now the dark of his house was beginning to seep into his mind. That darkness just wouldn’t leave him alone. Day in, day out, the edges of his mind were always shrouded with darkness. Shrek couldn’t remember when he’d stopped fighting it.
He heard someone yell “Shrek is dreck!” somewhere outside his house. Shrek sighed. He wished everyone would just leave him alone.
Shrek yawned and stretched. He decided that he’d better get to bed.
Just as he was about to turn out his light, he realized he had to go to the bathroom. So he went outside and walked ogre to his outhouse.
As he finished his business and left the outhouse, he stopped before embarking on back to his house. He noticed someone walking along the path near his swamp. He could see them from here.
This person was too close to his swamp! Were they the one that had yelled “Shrek is dreck”? Shrek knew he had to get that person out of his swamp.
So he ran down and was just about to shout “GET OUT OF MY SWAMP!” when the man turned around.
Oh dear...The first thing Shrek noticed about the man’s face was the eyes. He looked into those piercing, squinty, blue pools and almost felt like he was falling right into them.
“Can I help you?” the man asked. Shrek noticed the man’s mouth that looked like an ass crack opening as his wheezy voice came out of it.
Shrek had never felt this way before, not even about Fiona. He was so lost in the man’s bright orange skin and corn-silk comb over that he wasn’t able to respond.
“Look, green man, I need to make America great again. So if you don’t want anything from me, either go away...or...you could help me,” said the man.
Help him? Shrek wanted nothing more than to do exactly that at the moment, anything that would get him closer to the man. He still couldn’t speak, so he nodded.
“Good. My name is Donald Trump, I’m running for president.”
Shrek gained a little bit of his voice back, so he croaked awkwardly, “You’ve got my vote.”
“Well, that’s good to hear. Now, um...”
“Shrek.”
“Shrek. Come with me.”
Donald leads Shrek away from the swamp, and somehow, Shrek doesn’t even care that he’s leaving his precious swamp behind. This strange man had come into his life and enticed him.
They walked for a while before arriving at a wooden lodge in a clearing in the woods.
“This is it,” said Donald, “We’re here.”
“You live here?” asked Shrek, starting to come to his senses.
“Well, no. This is actually a vacation home. I just had to escape the Mexicans, you know?”
Shrek didn’t know, but he wanted to impress Donald, so he nodded.
“Shrek, let’s go inside.”
Shrek let Donald lead him inside the lodge. It was a fairly small place, and as soon as they walked through the door, Shrek’s nose was hit with a very pleasant aroma—it smelled of slugs, mud, and rotten things. He gasped gently. It was already like heaven.
The place seemed so homely and comforting, he almost wished he could live here. There was a fire going in the fireplace, providing ambient lighting and nice warmth. In fact, that was the only lighting in the entire lodge.
This was the only place that had ever really felt like home since Fiona died. This man, this mystery, this...enigma...had provided him with a home away from home.
“So, Shrek,” said Donald, breaking Shrek’s train of thought. “Tell me a bit about yourself.”
Donald pulled him onto the couch as he answered, “Well, I like swamps, I’m a pretty private person...”
“No, no, I mean...I want to know about you. Not just what you like. What are your fears? Did anything traumatic ever happen to you? Lost a loved one? I want to know the real you.”
Shrek blushed, and hoped it was too dark in the room for Donald to tell.
He thought for a moment. Should he tell him about Fiona? He’d only just met the guy....No. Even though Shrek had only met Donald that day, he felt a connection he didn’t even feel with Fiona. He knew he could trust him.
“Well...I did lose my wife a few months ago....Have you ever met Farquaad?” Shrek asked.
“No, I haven’t.”
“Good. He was the man that killed her. He’s evil, you’re lucky you’ve never met him.”
“Shrek...You’re not with Farquaad now. I would never treat you like that.”
Shrek’s face grew ever redder, which must have been a weird sight paired with his green skin.
“Listen, Shrek. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I really know you. Even though we just met. Do you feel it too?”
Shrek nodded. He definitely felt it.
Shrek didn’t know what came over him or Donald, but suddenly their lips slammed into each other’s, like a passionate mouth fight. The connection was there now more than ever, and both of them could feel it.
Donald pushed Shrek onto his back and leaned over him, kissing him more.

Now, I’m not going to go into detail, but let’s just say it was a very shreksual experience. They both fell asleep in each other’s arms afterwards.
Shrek woke up the next morning and Donald was gone. For a moment, a wave of panic washed over him, but then he heard Donald’s soothing voice in the other room and relaxed a bit.
Wait, who was he talking to? It sounded like he was on the phone. Shrek decided to listen to the conversation so he didn’t interrupt something that might be important.
“Yes, I know,” said Donald, “Of course it wasn’t serious. ... No. ... Look, I just did it so I could get his vote. Let’s be honest, Shrek is one of the most influential people in America. If he voted for me, imagine how my votes would skyrocket! ... It’s not like I love him or anything. You’re the only one for me, Sonic.”
Wait a minute. He was just faking it? Just to get a stupid vote?
Shrek remembered the gleam in Donald’s eyes when he said Donald had his vote. He thought nothing of it at the time, but now...
Shrek barged into the kitchen, where Donald was.
“It was all fake!?” Shrek yelled, tears streaming down his face.
“What? Shrek, I—“
“No, I don’t want your excuses, laddy!”
“I don’t understand why—“
“You don’t understand!? Donald, that was realest, most meaningful thing in my life! And it meant nothing to you?”
Donald said nothing.
“It was all just to get my vote. Well, you don’t have it anymore.”
Heartbroken, Shrek put all his clothes back on and started heading out the door.
“Wait, Shrek!” Donald called after him.
Shrek turned, tears still clouding his vision. “No,” he said, “It’s all ogre now.” Then he turned back and left forever.
As Shrek walked back to his swamp, rain poured down and the song “Hallelujah” started playing. Shrek wondered how Donald could ever do that to him, and all the while he’d been in a relationship with Sonic the Hedgehog.
Shrek arrived back at his swamp. The same idiot from before called out “Shrek is dreck!” Shrek was too tired to deal with him. He stepped inside his house and weakly closed the door behind him.
As soon as the door was closed, Shrek leaned back against it and fell onto his knees, sobbing his eyes out.
Donald was in his lodge, feeling miserable. He knew he would never get Shrek’s vote now. He sighed.

Part 2 - Forgiveness

Donald Trump was building a wall. No, not to keep out the Mexicans. He built it around his heart, to keep anyone from getting there and breaking it like Shrek did.
It was true, he used to love his girlfriend Sanic Hegehog (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX7zPlQjAr8). And he thought he still did. Yet, something about seeing Shrek slam his door and leave his life forever, tears flowing from his eyes, stirred some deep emotion in him. (Probably the only emotion Donald Trump has.)
As the song “Hallelujah” played, Donald sat on his couch in front of the dying embers of the fire, perhaps symbolizing their fiery love dying out. He glared into the fireplace and thought.
He knew he’d done something wrong. For the first time in his life, Donald actually felt remorse for doing something offensive.
At the time, he was just trying to get Shrek to vote for him. He saw now, though, that that was selfish of him. He couldn’t just toy with Shrek’s feelings like that.
He called Sanic.
“Yes sweaty?” said Sanic. Unbeknownst to Sanic, Donald was about to make a big change in his life.
“Listen, Sanic. Sweety, I love you, you know that, right?” said Donald, about to get right to the point.
“Yes, of course, sweaty. Why? ...Is this about that Shrek?”
“...Sanic. I love you, but I’ve found someone better. And it may or may not be Shrek. The point is, I’ve seriously hurt someone I care about and I need to make things up to them. I just wouldn’t be happy if I couldn’t be with them.”
“Donald. I know it’s Shrek, you don’t have to avoid saying his name. I knew there was something deeper going on there. But you know what? I’m not mad. I understand. You love him, don’t you?”
Silence.
“So I’ll help you make it up to him in any way I can.”
“Wait, really?” asked Donald, pleased and surprised.
“Yes. Because I still love you, sweaty.”
They stayed on the phone for a while, formulating a plan.
Later, Sanic left his house to carry out his part of the plan. He headed ogre to Shrek’s swamp.

Shrek sat there in the cold darkness of his house, just as he did before. He was alone. Again. First Fiona, now Donald...Shrek felt that he was done with love forever.
He heard a knock on the door. Who could that possibly be? If it was Donald, Shrek wasn’t willing to talk…
He opened the door, preparing an argument to yell before slamming the door. Just as he was about to start yelling it, he saw that it wasn’t Donald. It was...was that Sanic Hegehog? Shrek had heard much about this Sanic. He also knew Sanic was Donald’s girlfriend.
“Whatever it is you want to say, I don’t want to talk,” said Shrek, as calmly as he could manage.
“Shrek! You’re Shrek, right?” said Sanic, trying his hardest to sound panicked. “Donald’s in trouble, and he’s asking for you!”
Shrek thought he didn’t care about Donald anymore. He thought he hated him for betraying him the way he had.
But his heart wouldn’t let him sit there and do nothing while the love of his life, traitor or not, was in danger.
He and Sanic ran to Donald’s vacation home as fast as they could, Sanic giggling to himself along the way.
They arrived and Shrek burst through the door, panting and concerned. He looked around, scanning the room, trying to find out what was happening.
“Wh-what’s going on?” said Shrek, confused, as Donald approached him, apparently in no danger at all.
“Shrek. Please listen to me.”
“Wait, you lied to me? You weren’t actually in danger!”
“Please. Just listen.”
Donald looked into Shrek’s eyes. Shrek said nothing.
“I love you, Shrek. I thought I didn’t, I thought I was just faking it so I could get your vote. But you know what? When you said it was the realest thing you’ve ever felt...well, I feel the same. I’m so sorry for how I treated you, and Sanic understands. Anyway...Shrek, I...I never want to leave your side again.”
Shrek stood in stunned silence for what seemed like forever.
Donald waited expectantly for his response.
All of a sudden, Shrek burst out crying and hugged Donald. “I love you too.”
Sanic stood and looked on happily.

Weeks later, Shrek became Shrek Trump as they celebrated their marriage. Donald dropped out of the presidential race in order to spend more time with Shrek and everyone in the country rejoiced.
Donkey, upon hearing the news, came back to see the newly married Shrek with his dragon girlfriend. They joked and laughed, just like old times.
Everyone was happy.

Until a late November day that year when Farquaad killed Donald.

THE END

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THE EMOJI MOVIE

29 de setembro de 2017 - Sprouticas100 | 0 comentário(s)

the world we live in. it's so... wonderous. mysterious. even magical. no... no no no.. not that world. i meant this one. the smartphone. each system and program app is it's own little planet of perfect. technology. all providing services so necessary, so crucial, so unbelievably profound. look who just sent me a text! addie mccallister? it must be a mistake. or a joke. or a scam! don't send her your social security number. she's right there! that's our user, alex. and, like every freshman in high school, his whole life, everything, revolves around his phone. and, because the pace of life gets, faster and faster... phones down in five. and attention spans get shorter and shorter... and... you're probably not even listening to me right now. who has the time to type out actual words? and that's where we come in. the most important invention in the history of communication! emo gees. that's my home! textopolis. here, each of us does one thing, and we have to nail it every time. christmas tree just has to stand there, all festive. merry christmas! it's still september, tim! and princesses... i am so pretty. they just gotta wear their crowns and keep their hair comb. we are so pretty. devil, poop, thumbs up, they just show up and they're good to go. but for the faces, the pressure is on. cryer always has to cry, even if he just won the lottery. hurray, i'm a millionaire! laugher's always laughing, even if he's just broken his arm. ahh!! ah! i can see the bone!! ah ah ah ah ah... and me, i'm a meh. so i gotta totally be over it all the time, you know? like meh, who cares. which is not as easy as it sounds. i gotta be mehhhhhhhhh i GOTTA! be! mehhhhhhhhh morning misses D, i see you have the little minis with ya! oh, they're so... cute! NYAH, SO ADORABLE, I CAN'T TAKE IT! I WILL NEVER GET THEM TO SLEEP! STICK TO YOUR ONE FACE, WEIRDO. OLE! OLE! OH NO! OH NO! it's hard to only act blasé. when, living in textopolis is.... just so exciting! hah low good simeans! those ah some shalp attach shays! yes, well we have business to attend to. whot kind off business? monkey business. ha ha ha ha, i sounded british. meh... Oh, that was really good.. meh ? meh ... meh ha ha... what the freak ya doing there, mate? practicing. today is my first day on the phone. oh, droit. i'm gonna be so.. meh. what are you going to do? blah! me and the boys are gonna throw ourselves on the barbie! woo! puh-zow! gooday, mate! hey, koh knee chee wah! sorry emote icons!! oh, I hate knocking over the elderly.. let me help, let me help... oh, my colon!!! ducks... hey, is that the time? HEY, my eyes are up here, pal! woo ooh hoo! woo hoo! right on time! and last week, Alex sent me next to THIS text! huh? huh? HA HA HA THAT ELEPHANT PISSED HIMSELF HA HA HA AH HAH HA HAH HAH UH HUH HUH why are YOU laughing, freak? ho ho ha ha ha! now, unlike me, my parents are total pros. gene, please tell me you weren't laughing just now. gene so help me i swear oh, he was, I remember. let's go see if you can get it right. i have some bad news, gene, and i'm afraid that you'll have the wrong reaction. ok, what's the wrong reaction? anything other than meh. come on! i don't want to be late! i'm not letting you go to work today. wait, WHAT? you're just not ready, son. come on!! working in a cube is an Emoji's whole purpose in life! everybody my age is working on the phone except for me! oh sweetie, that's not true. ow! YEAH! i'm going to work on the phone and I'm only ten! that's because I believe in you! should we wash our hands? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! we're number two! we're number two! see? i, i know i'm different, ok? but, i need to... i can be meh... i just... want to be a working emoji, you know, like... everybody else... and then... i would finally fit in, you know? ah, you fit in, honey. no I don't, mom. I never have. but I could change all that if you just let me! just give me a chance! but what if you get sent out on the phone, making the wrong face? no dad, i'll make the right face! look! maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah? you're so handsome when you make that face. i think he's ready, mel. meh. come on, dad. let me prove it to you. if you really think you're ready... YES! yes i am! i promise i won't let you down! wow! Congratulations, everyone! What an exciting day for all of you! oh, it's really her! oh, pizza! first day on the job, hi, hi! don't be nervous! i won't bite! hi, i'm smiler! ho ho ho ho ho... DON'T TOUCH ME! Hi! i mean.. hey.. as you know, i'm smiler, i'm the system supervisor here, because I was the original emoji. here's how it works. it's nothing fancy! wait a minute... it's really fancy! you each have your own cube on the emoji bar! if alex chooses you, should you be so lucky, your cube will light up! it's showtime! the scanner will scan you, and that scan will get sent right up to alex's text box. and let me tell you guys, there is nothing like getting scanned for the first time. a har, you're gonna love it. now over here is the favorites section, where you'll find all the most popular emo gees. and of course, you'll find my cube here. whoo. you are smooth. just doing my duty. ha ha ha! what did i say? come on, tell me you aren't just a little bit tempted? steven, for the last time, i don't want to buy a timeshare. come on, man, it's high five! you know me! i'm a favorite! Alex hasn't picked you in weeks. when he stops picking you, you're no longer a favorite. there's gotta be some sort of mistake, i mean, look at me, i'm an attractive, hand-giving high five! oh! fistbump! come on in! hey, ladies! FISTBUMP? he's a knucklehead! literally! look at him, I can look like that! ugh, ow, cramp.. big mistake.. oh... help me.. help up a hand.. oh... here you go... thanks mate... hey, little man, how about you create a distraction, and i'll just slip under the rope! uh, oh, is someone lost? smiler, hiya, just leaving. yeah, you know, just killing time before i go back to my cube in the far corner where Alex can't even See Me ANYMORE! you may not be a favorite anymore, but you will always have a place, in a cube! yeah, in the nosebleeds... uh, i'm standing right here? words hurt. the most important thing I can tell you is to just be yourself... basically, happy itself... i am always smiling... places, please! emo gees to your cubes! attention, we've got incoming! gotta be meh, gotta be meh. oh my gosh, my own cube! i can't believe it... oh, i could put a plant over here, and over here could go an inspirational calendar, okay, gotta be meh... look at our son get on there, i'm beaming... with pride! you don't think he'll actually get picked, do you? heiroglyphics. heiroglyphics was an ancient language of picture forms. does that remind anyone of anything. hello. a language of pictures... anyone? early heiroglyphics back in ancient... i gotta reply to addie's text! what should i write? nothing! nothing? words aren't cool. ok, be cool, be cool... alright, alex is not sure how he wants to play this... oh! i would really love it to be me! beam me up! beam me up! i need thumbs up on standby! oh yeah! thumbs up is going in! wait! alex is changing his mind! he's moving! ok, looks like it's gonna be meh... i'm so nervous, i could almost shrug. we are go for meh! initiating scan! okay, you can do this. ah! i can't do this! i can't do it! stop the scan! i can't, it's too late! oh! what's he doing? he's making the wrong face! good for him, little... wait, what? ugh. abort, abort! oh, shi... shut it down, shut it down! ah! what is that emoji? all the emo gees present, evacuate the cube! evacuate the cube! i gotta get out of here! i'm trying! oh, jeez. sorry, everybody. that is not what i meant to do! i kinda.. i kinda panicked.. are you even a meh at all? uh, who, me? like you are, is a malfunction! a malfunction? no, i can be meh, just give me one more chance? you know what would be really fun? a board meeting, where we can find out what to do with you! i just wanted to be useful, you know, fit in! now everybody's calling me a malfunction. i am a malfunction. even if you are a malfunction, gene, your mom and dad still love ya. i knew you weren't ready. let's get you out of here and take you home. one day, all of this will blow over, and everyone will almost forget about what you did. until then, you should probably stay locked up in the apartment. wait, you're gonna hide me away? you're embarrased of me. it's for your own safety. we're trying to protect you, son. gene, where are you going? i'm not going to run away from this. i'm an emoji, and, even though i'm not exactly sure which one... i've gotta have some sort of purpose here, i know it. gene, no! sweetie, please! so, how'd it go, gavel? hey, lightbulb, tell me what's going on in there. what... poop... what is it? tell me turd, tell me truth. what happened? i know it was an accident. we all have accidents you're so soft, poop. not too soft, i hope. i came up here to defend myself, but, uh, you seem pretty happy. so, good news? i'm always happy. oh, right, yeah, truth. but the only thing that could ever make me unhappy, is if one of our emo gees has made a mistake. which would cause alex to lose faith in the phone... and then, our whole gets wiped out! smiler, i devil pinky swear promise to you that i will never, ever make a mistake in the cube again. oh, we know you won't, gene. we know you won't! ha ha, you know, the first time you said it it sounded genuine, but then you repeated it, and, and then, now it's weird. we're setting you up! with our best anti virus bots! so they'll, like, uh, they'll just, they're gonna fix me? actually, delete you. but yes! wait, what? if you get deleted, you don't have to worry about department heads, or the future, or lying about being a malfunction! because you're deleted, right? right! good job! bots! no! stop, he's escaped! party time! oh, wait a minute... the air is better here! beer, tea... i'm coffee! sorry... ish... so ish e. my old cube! ugh, pinkeye. mike! my name's not mike... ah! there's AV bots coming! what, me? just because i'm in the wrong section? holy toledo! what do we do? quick! this way! let's go! don't tell anyone you're about to see this. they'll never find us down here. where are we? the basement? nope. welcome to the loser lounge, where the emo gees who never get used, hang out. go fish! fishcake with swirls sweep so you won't cry. sweep so you won't cry. sweep so you won't cry. i almost got deleted! me! high five! hey, what's up high five? they weren't trying to delete you, they were trying to delete me. you? what's so important about you that they'd send out an entire team of bots? they say... i'm a malfunction. gasp oh, you bringing malfunctions in here now, high five? for crying out loud, abandoned luggage, that had better not be my leftover chinese food... uh... what chinese food? huh ha! do you have any idea what it's like to be living large? hashtag blessed? the favorite of the favorites, and then demoted to this pit of despair? here, will you hit my callouses for me? at least you're a working emoji, that's all i ever wanted. well, if that's all it will take you to be satisfied, then just find a hacker and get reprogrammed. it's not that complicated. where would i find a hacker? in the piracy app, duh. ugh. and who took my clear nail polish? piracy app? to get there, i mean, i have to leave textopolis. so? i've done it. would you be a brother. one of the princess emo gees left the phone altogether, now she lives on the cloud... mmm... ooh, that is good. i'm sure the hacker that helped her do that could easily reprogram you. The name's jailbreak. jailbreak? that's great? reprogrammed. i just need to get reprogrammed, and then i can finally be the meh i was meh to be! help me find that hacker high five, will you? please? maybe this hacker can help you, too? like, rewrite some code? get you into the favorites sections? wait a minute! ow. i've been trying to use my charisma and sensitive entitlement to get me back on top when all I need is a hacker! today's your lucky day! let's roll! hey, can i come too? talk to the hand, bretheren. i thought i was... bye, felicia. ciao, fishcake with swirls. daddy's headed back to the VIPs where he belongs! wait, what about the bots? good point, good point. ow, ow ow, ow... hey... i shouldn't have picked the cactus. i shouldn't have picked it. you didn't even try to get the tree, it's baffling. let's go. high five? hello? high five! where are you? i'm right here! here we are! end of the text aisle. no way. come on, gene, it's perfectly safe! ah! gene, help me! high five! oh no, this is all my fault, high five, I... i'm just messing with you! it's just one of those rubber finger monster puppets from the eighties, i collected the whole set! alright, you coming? uh, what do i do? what do you mean? just take a step through the other side. this, is it. the next time i come back here, i'll be a real meh. high five? woah! are you finished? where, where are we? welcome... to the wallpaper! wow. this place is incredible! each app is a whole new world. ow, that's my face, get off my face, thank you. what is this place? WeChat! it's like a whole other world! oh, it is. what are they? they're bubble pups, they might be cute, but man, are they clean. bubble pups? they're stickers, gene, try to get with the program? this is so cool! wait, what's in that one! everybody's talking about themselves! how does he know so many people? none of these people know him, but they like him, and that's what matters in this life, popularity. uh, i, i think i'd rather just have a real friend. a real friend? how's that going to get you anywhere? what you need are fans! they give you complete and unrelenting support! as long as you're on top. poor gene, i blame myself. i blame you, too. i just wanted to be supported. you just wanted a vacation. you take that back, mel. bots, they haven't found gene by now. he must have skipped town. you mean the wallpaper? our boy's on the run. how about we find him ourselves? yeah, sure. tell those bots to follow those mehs. i'm sure they'll know about all those freaky deaky apps Gene would hide out in. i'm really good at making plans, you guys, right? here we are, the piracy app! this is where we'll find jailbreak. um, but this is, the dictionary app. that's just what alex wants his parents to think. this is called a skin. really? what could a teenage boy possibly want to hide from his parents? just try to keep up, this place can get a little rough. ahoy mateys, look who's back! high five! i'm a bit of a celebrity here, always welcome. ow! loser! come on, follow me. oh, great, emo gees! i thought the conversation just got dumber. ugh, internet trolls, just ignore them. eventually, they'll get a job, or a girlfriend, or some sort of purpose in life, and then they'll stop. virus, we'll just, we'll just walk over this way... hi! it's so great to see you again! do i know you? it's spam! just sign here and i can get you special discounts on vitamins and coupon offers that can save you up to 25 percent! 25 percent? nonono no no, don't get sucked in! back off, spam! it's the only way to do it. back off! thank you very much! you can illegally download our CD right here! hey, trojan horse, how are you? yeah, what'll it be had? i'll have a bottle of... hack, daniels, hmm? maybe with a plate of... cheese, and hackers, kapeesh? you try to buy a hacker, you can just ask, you know. oh, sorry, um, yes. we're looking for a hacker named jailbreak. oh, i know a guy who could hook you up. right over there. oh, yes. patable. no, not him. her! wait, he's a she? hey! jailbreak! mind if we join in? yes. that's the thing about the internet, is that you never know if someone's being ironic or sincere. i sincerely, unironically want you to go away. ha ha ha ha, so good... so here's the thing, my friend gene here has a little problem. well, see, i'm supposed to be a meh, but i don't really feel... yeah, yeah, and we thought that you could help... the princess, you know, off the phone... woah, hold up, that's not a meh face. bots, they're after me! how are you doing that? look, it's just something that i can do, can you help us? follow me. bots, delete my history! i need to wipe my entire hard drive! i made the most delicious cinnamon buns! maybe if there was something to uh, jog my memory? come on! move! hey trolls, wipe our mailbox wearing a tuxedo! hi, it's so great to see you again! this tunnel will get us out of here! move! get us out of here! move! did that cloud taste sweet to you? ow. ow. ow. help me. help, i'm stuck! sweet motherboard! where am i? candy crush! get me out of here! hey, cornface! try getting him out the top! already on it! hold tight, gene! woah! woah! this feels very off.. and smells. i mean, it smells delicious, but, i still don't like it! the game obviously thinks you're a candy, even though you're, weirdly misshapen, you know? what do i do? stay very still! don't worry, we've got your back! right, high five? hey, fingers! you wanna focus? for your information, i happen to have a sugar addiction, and it's a very, serious... hey, finger head, we have to get Gene out of the game without blowing him up! i don't want to blow up! we have to match up the candies so that Gene will drop to the bottom. and we can't match him with any yellows, or else... oh! don't do that, please don't do that. watch. got it? knock 3 in a row, don't blow gene up, got it. and, we have to be careful. yeah yeah yeah. careful! woo hoo! candy! yo! no no no! don't do yellow! do NOT do the yellow! i said careful! hey, addie! i... i was just wondering, if, you are... tasty. what? um... delicious. excuse me? sweet. hey addie! uh... hi nikki. see you later, alex sugar crush. ah! i'm so over this. Wireless Repair Service, how may I help you? i'd like to make an appointment. it's like this phone is playing games with me! woah! hey, what does this do? get me out of here! ooh... suck it in... stop it... stop it... ow ow ow... it's not working! well, there's one option left. we line you up with the yellows. but you said not to do that! special candies get transported to that jar. the game might think that you're a special candy. and... what if it doesn't think i'm a special candy? well... ah! jailbreak, hello? hello, jailbreak? uh, sorry. what if it doesn't think i'm a special candy? oh, i'm not too worried about it. alright, just do it. gene, gene! you're alive! you were trying to see if i had somehow turned into candy, weren't you? yes i was. and you have not! hey, looks like something popped up on alex's calender. ah, i'm sure it's nothing. uh, alex made an appointment at the phone store? calm down, everyone, calm down. don't worry, everything is fine. maybe alex just wants to buy some accessories. uh, his appointment is with techinical support. well, i'm sure we'll have plenty of time to figure this out. uh, his appointment is for tomorrow. then maybe it's just for some routine maintenance? uh, actually, it's to erase the phone. listen, gene, i'm about to become your knight in shining armor. you are? oh yeah. but first, we need to get uploaded to the cloud. that's where we'll find the source code to reprogram you. the... cloud? isn't that off the phone? ding dingding ding! you got it! mmhm, yeah, the cloud! off the phone! uh! we're in candy crush, oz, i know a shortcut to just dance, which is right next to dropbox, where we can get uploaded to the cloud. mmhm, of course, just go dive into the dropbox and vroom! hold up, here's the stinker. before they let us into the cloud, we have to get past this... firewall. the firewall uses face identification. it's really annoying, because i've already tried to get through. guessed wrong once, and now i'm locked out for life. locked out for life? you're thinking, because i can make different faces, the firewall will think i'm different emo gees! yeah, i wanted to say it, because it was my idea. you know, women are always coming up with stuff that men are taking credit for. you know what, well, let's hit the road. high five, you coming? i'm coming! why do i always think i'm going to come around on black licorice? ah! oh! my precious... move it! sudden death, here we come! let's try this one... you tube? wow, what an original treat, and i don't even need a remote. that guy is so expressive. he reminds me of gene. yes, something's really wrong here. our son is a malfunction, and you should have never let him go into that cube. don't blame me for that now, i am hopping mad at you. see? mary, i think we're being followed, but don't overreact. uh oh. i told you not to overreact. what are you doing now? i could be in there for hours. hey, where are you going. i think we should go our seperate ways, mel. i thought i knew the meh that i married, but maybe i don't. but, mary? this tunnel will help us avoid the bots. thanks for helping us. it's really, really nice of you. NPD, dude. you're helping me! move along, move it, why so slow? high five, stop, why are you getting so close? back off. i can't stop now, i'm having a sugar rush! i'm going to go around you. if i stop moving, my heart's going to explode! coming through, jailbreak! watch out! hey! watch it, knuckle butt! i can't feel my face! ha ha! jailbreak, you said back there that i'm... helping you. i've been trying to get past that firewall for months! ha ha ha ha ha, come on, come on, the faster we go, the faster I can become a favorite! ah ha ha ha ha ha! woo hoo! look at me i just want to bounce out of here, get off the phone, and live on the cloud! hee hee! ow! what just happened! you know, you don't like it here? there are so many rules here! what is up with that? the cloud's supposed to be amazing, it's full of dreams too... oh, sugar crash. i can't hold on anymore. catch me, gene, catch me! and you can be whoever you want! thanks. we're free! come on! oh, oh my gosh, my hands are sweating. you know what, come to think of it, i don't really remember there ever being a hacker emoji. oh, um, you know, you're taking too much of my brain space, let's try to keep the chit chat to a minimum. ooh, someone likes you. what are you talking about? this just like when peace sign gave me just one finger, i knew she was in love with me. let's go! ugh, i'm never eating another piece of candy ever again... high-five, don't do it! don't you do it! it's already been in there once. don't do it. wow. move it! are my fingers getting fat? i'll tell you what, this bandage wasn't so tight before. okay, we get through this app, and dropbox is right on the other side. we just need to keep it super DL in here. and no matter what, we can't, turn it, on. OMG this turned it on! what? i'm a hand, it's a big red button! woah. no no no no! what's happening! welcome to just dance! follow my moves and you get to move forward! do the wrong moves and you get an X! three strikes and you're out! out? what does she mean by out? digital death. thanks to you, fingers, now we're going to have to dance our way out. which is alright with me, because I can shake it like michael. or michael's glove, anyway. Are you ready to daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnccccccee? this is bad, gene, i can't dance, i got no groove! come on, everybody can dance! not me, okay? i'm really stiff... see? you don't... understand? okay, no no. stop, stop. you have to stop. i see now what you are saying? just follow her moves. ready to dance in three! this i can't do! two! dude! just shut up and... dance! i'm just doing it! hee hee! shamon! jailbreak! i got you! look, just do the music, express yourself! dance? yeah, you got it! now throw some sauce on that dance burrito! woo hoo! i'm doing it! i'm finally nailing this dance! you got it! hee hee! oh ho ho! great job! now you're moving on to free dance! impress us with your moves to move forward! more dancing? you're killing it, gene! nice! take it gene! you can break it! wait a minute! i've never seen that dance before! what's it called? the emoji... bob? i love it! you do! everybody! do the emojiiiiiiiiiii bob! ha ha ha! woo! oh! princess! woah! you're the princess emoji! you never got off the phone! new player! who? oh no! we gotta go! no worry, they're robots, they can't dance! downloading thought protocol... can't dance, he says. heh. hey alex, you gonna dance for us? alex, that's extra homework for you. yeah, alex's getting wicked, ha ha ha... alex must be deleting the app! watch out! we gotta get out of here! come on! hoo! this song is my jam! high five! come on! let's go! hurry! gene! i got you! gene! gene... hey, wait a minute, where's high five? alex trashed the app.. and high five right along with it. wait, what? wait, trashed? high five is in the trash? he wanted to dance... but, i knew it was a bad idea... i'm so sorry... we gotta get him out of there. gene, dropbox is right here, we have to get to the cloud! and the trash is on the other side of the phone! we don't know how many other bots are out there! i'm sorry! no, wait! i can't go without high five. i don't care how far away it is. gene... that's my friend down there. i'm not going to just let him get deleted. what, what is it? i've always just thought, you've got to look out for number one... but what good is it to be number one, if there aren't any other numbers? wow, okay. i'm sorry, this is, this is my malfunction, i just, i can't be meh about anything, this is why i'm going to be reprogrammed. well, actually, it's kinda cool. wait, really? no, i think i know a shortcut. we can take the music streams in spotify. let's go give that big hand a hand. come on! now it's trashed the just dance app, and our bots are offline, and it's giving me a real headache... i am so angry! i really need to stay happy. can we please lighten the mood? no one can resist la fiesta! ole! not that happy. ow! we've only got four hours before alex's phone appointment. if they find a malfunction on the phone, we are all going to be wiped! she said wiped! aim higher, steven. i didn't want to have to do this, but it is fun to press buttons. the illegal upgrade! now that makes me happy! ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! i just want to dance.. dance... argh! quiet, you saucy ♥♥♥♥♥. ugh, where am i? hi! it's so great to see you again! you're in the trash, fingers for brains! get away from me, troll! hi! it's so great to see you again! i've got to get out of here. you can't! and at the end of the day, the trash gets emptied, and we're all going to die! oh no, no, no! this is the last face you will ever see! this is spotify? yep, every one of those streams is a different song. is it safe? are you sure that this is a good idea? that's the point of the wave, dude! can we at least pick a... a colorless stream? okay buzzkill... alex, a bunch of people are hitting the promenade, and i think addie might be there, too... that's perfect! i have an appointment down there, anyway! i've got to get this phone fixed! hey, bubble butt! yeah. ah, much better. so, i gotta ask, is it true that when a princess whistles, birds fly down from the skies.. hello, stereotype, that is a complete and total myth! i'm sorry. did you realize that in the first emoji set, a woman can either be a princess, or a bride? that's why I need to get to the cloud, where you can be whatever you want to be! get ready! whale song coming! wait, wait, whale what? whale song! from alex's biology DVD! woah! wow! woah! ha ha ha ha. you're not going to see that sitting around in a cube. funny, you went out of the cube, and I went in. gene, that means you can't be yourself. what's the point? you know, i think you're pretty cool just the way you are. we're, we're going to need this. nobody knows, the touchscreen dramascene. nobody knows my screenshot... trash? me? i used to be somebody. here i am, in an old email Alex never sent. addie, blah blah blah blah blergh... and then there's me! high five! right there! doing my job! FYI, nobody cares about you. just leave me, troll, and let me die! in this dump alone! let me look for the world's smallest violin in here, so that you can play it! is that the hand angel of mercy? has she finally come for me? give me your hand! i mean, give me yourself! take my hand, angel! i'm ready to take my place amongst the other great hands of the past. it's me, gene! gene? the one and only. gene! i got him! take me with you! high five! let go of me! you'd leave me down here? you were wrong, troll, people do care about me! and i'm not upset, troll! do you see how not upset I am? gene! you came back for me! you saved me... it wasn't just me, jailbreak helped, too. she's a hugger. give her a squeeze. oh, nonono no. not really, nothing great. i'm not feeling your feelings, relieve me! you filthy trolls, I inhaled your stench, and I was once one of you, so I feel your pain. so now, go. be free! smooth sailing from here. huh ha ha! ugh. gene! gene... gene? are you insta gramming? oh, where is my gene... oh, mary, you've really done it this time. no, you haven't. mel? what are you doing in alex's trip to france album? i was looking for you. none of this is your fault, mary. it's mine. what do you mean? is that a tear on your cheek? it's my fault gene is the way he is. i have other expressions, too. i think they've just been buried away. but with gene going missing, and thinking i might have lost you, too... oh, mel, why didn't you tell me? i didn't know myself. right now, i'm so overwhelmed with passionate feelings for you. mary, my love for you burns with the intensity of a red hot flame. oh, i like it. let's go find our son. together. we'll always have paris, mary. so you're a princess. so you have a little tiara, very fancy. is it true when a princess whistles, birds fly that's what i said! no, guys, that's a stupid myth! what awkward virgin haven are you living in? go read an e-book! educate yourself! uh, jailbreak? what the? what is that? smiley must have upgraded her bots! let's get out of here before it... hi, do you remember me, it's smiler! i'm coming to you live from the amphitheater, why don't you come back to textopolis and we can talk through our differences, okay? my friend here will escort you, alright, i'm gonna see you soon, buddy, bye now! we're actually going to delete them in front of everyone. psst, it's still on. it's still on? oh! jiminy, attack the frauds! seperate! take a look! jailbreak! gene! this way! it's still onto me! over here! let's go! we have to make it to dropbox! yes! no! go low! woah! don't worry, it can't get in. it's illegal malware, and this app is secure. come on. welcome to dropbox! you are about to leave the phone. remain seated, please! permanecer sentados por favor! might want to hang on! why do they call it dropbox, anyway? oh, this is why! i see why now! i'd better not see that candy corn again! we made it! you guys, chill. we still have to get past... that. oh... shaw. welcome to the firewall, how may I help you? alright, here goes! what should I do? sit in the corner, and don't say a word. keep those soft fingers to yourself. yes, your majesty, princess of nightmares! now gene, step onto the password icon, and i'll feed you the passwords. okay. okay. ten, eleven, two thousand and two. ten, eleven, two thousand and two. ow. cough. access denied. okay, try a different expression. is it going to blast me every time i messed up? yeah, kind of. what do you mean kind of? ready? welcome to the firewall. his favorite food. chimichangas! chimichangas? ow. access denied. huh. this might take a while. oh boy. krav maga! krav maga. major lazer! major lazer. what did i do now? ow. skate, or die! access denied. denied. denied. denied. i don't get it! we've tried all of the important things in alex's life! his favorite pet, his sport, his favorite grandma... i'm sorry, gene. i let us all down. now, if I had to come up with a password, I'd probably use the name of a girl I like.