Listen baby, i know i'm ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ up.. i don't know why i even do that, but... listen... give me a chance for our kids, for our incredible dou's on center... FOR US...
I mean yes i destroyed your fridge and ate all of your food, i was about to stole your underwear and trade it for some chicken and rice, but... REMEMBER ITS FOR US FOR OUR LOVE

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im shivering from excitement. i think i should use some alcohol to stop the shaking. I have long thought that alcohol was bad for me but truly think that it does not harm me too much. I have not yet had lung failure nor any liver diseases. With this i wish to recommend drinking to all that read this. live your life and dont listen to haters. NEVER QUIT

I get horny from printers

When I was a teenager I got super bored and decided I wanted to see if I could get a fetish on purpose. I set up an experiment to see if I could get a fetish for something extremely non-sexual if I tried hard enough. So every time I wanted to whack it, I ignored looking up porn and instead looked up computer insides and maintenance imagery on google and tried to jack off to it.

The real kicker is that I'm the family's computer guy so I had to go to my grandma's house to fix the printer there, and I had to pull out the toner drum and I legitimately felt like I was doing something perverse. I could not stop getting nervous the entire time I was there because I was anxious about my poor unsuspecting family somehow finding out that opening up the printer gets my ♥♥♥♥ hard :/

TL;DR Jacked off to computer parts when I was like 15 cause I was bored and now I'm scared ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ of fixing my grandma's printer in case I get a boner

to everyone in my 8:30 class this morning: I was *not* masturbating


so i was sitting in the back row of my lecture and i realized my fly was unzipped. i was trying to fix it up before anyone saw me. however, my zipper was caught in the boxers, and it wouldn’t move no matter how hard i tugged. this was creating a commotion, and these 3 girls were starting to stare. so, i started making grunting noises to indicate i was trying to fix my pants. however, it seemed like it made it worse because they started whispering and more people started to stare. so eventually i just gave up and walked out the room. when i came back, everyone kept giving me weird looks. i am really sorry for today and i just wanted to clear the air.