Its my life story, a sad story..

I am from a small village and poor family, my father died when I was 8 years old and I have a elder brother. My mother’s age when my father died is 25 years. She worked really hard at fields to educate me and my brother. We studied well and doing job in big MNC with decent salary. I was the topper in school but my mother cant afford expenses for my higher studies. Few of my tuition masters talked about it, asked few rich people in the for help. Luckily I got financial help till my B.tech. Got job in campus placements and doing job now. In my village I am kind of inspiration to many people and every parents wish their children will become like me. My brother got help from my uncle and he is also polite guy. Due to me and my brother My mother huge respect in my village and all relatives. My uncle and my mother always feels proud of us.

Where is the sad part here..coming to the point..

I know my financial situations so I never asked for any good clothes nor went out with friends. I faced a hard time in talking to people and communicating. My family has injected that feeling “You are not rich,not beautiful , not fair or you can just study well, so you should always be obedient and we are less than everyone else. We are less,less..less”. It made me think that I am not normal like every other girl. This feeling started killing me, it was growing inside me and killing my self esteem slowly. I used to sit around a corner in the college and do my work. Nothing else in my life for entire 4 years of Btech life. I used to be sad all the time, I could not smile..It was hell.

Btech over..got the job, first time when I started earning slowly my confidence levels increased. Met good friends and my life kind of became better. I was really happy that I forgot struggles I have faced. Me and my brother built a new home, and My mother is happy.

Again it seems to be an happy end..but not really..

This happiness did not last long. My mother and Uncle started searching a guy for me. Like any other girl I was so excited and dreamed about my husband. I always had a feeling that My life will change into happy one with marriage. But there are not many educated guys in my caste and even there are few, they are demanding huge dowry. After doing job, I met many people and got to understand more about life. Even I came from a village my thinking was different. I expected that compatibility with the guy I am going to marry. I did not like the idea of adjusting someone as we cant find any in my caste. I requested my family to remove the cast filter. They did not agree. Slowly all of my friends got married and I was at the same position. I started feeling less again and believing that I am unlucky. Everytime I reject a guy there was a discussion why..whhyyyyyyyy..Looks good,salary good,family good whyy did you reject….the checklist is fine, but I did not like I cant explain to them that compatibility is missing. One might say how can you decide after one meeting..do you really think our parents give time to understand each other and then take decision. I was forced to tell my decision yes or no. I did not get confidence to say YES..I said NO. ..I dont even have choice to ask for more time. Even my well educated brother did not understand what I am trying to say. He is more concerned about his marriage because his marriage is getting delayed due to me.

When this is happening I met a nice guy who suits me well in all aspects. But he is a muslim and I am hindu. I know its difficult So i never told him..but with lot of stress I am going through, I needed a shoulder to cry on very badly. He also likes me, understood my situation and always there for me. I even call him My medicine. Slowy I started loving him more and more. At the same time marriage proposals and fights at home. One day I talked to my mother about this guys. She cried, she became unconscious like it was a shock. Everyone in the family scolded me for not showing gratitude towards my mother. I did not do anything wrong but I became the culprit. I talked to my brother about my situation, he did not respond and he told my mother that I am disturbing him. I lost respect towards my brother instantly. I thought I will get support and he is the only one who can understand me. I cant dare to talk to my mother again, because of her health condition. In family everyone pointing at my fingers like I did something bad.

I can not marry this Muslim guy

Because someone else helped for my fees
Because My families reputation will be damaged at village
As my mother scarified her life for me, I have to show gratitude towards her by marrying the guy she choose for me.
None of the reasons above makes sense to me. I am in depression currently. I cried many nights on terrus. Out of all this pain, daily I go to office like nothing happened and no one even get a doubt. I waited long enough the right guy from my caste, but it did not happen. Every time a proposal comes I imagined my life with them, in few days its gone and I was left with pain. I experienced how it feels like when our heart cries. Its like my heart was teared into multiple pieces. I lost patience, this sadness ate me and only little part of me is left. Currently this is the situation. I don’t know when my threshold will be crossed. That time I might commit suicide or I might take sanyasam.

I have no one to share so I want to put in Quora so that at least i will find people who can understand me. I am not sure whether I will be alive to read comments.

Thanks for reading with patience. I am done with life.